Today's A Big Day!!!!

I have expressed many times that I am humbled by the overwhelming and unexpected success of this blog. Without you the followers and readers this blog would have just disappeared. With you help I have been able to reach people who not only just found out they were positive but others who have in fact been living with HIV/AIDS for years. With many thanks to ALL of you my dream of spreading awareness and giving a face to this illness is reaching a new height.  Yesterday I was contacted by a Senior Producer at CNN who asked if I would be interested in being a featured guest on CNN live to discuss living with the illness and how over the years I have thrived. I jumped at the opportunity and can't wait to share my thoughts with the world.  The segment is scheduled to air TODAY AT 1:45 CENTRAL TIME WHICH IS 2:45 EASTERN.

Yes, I took the first step by creating this blog but since then its been you who have taken the steps to help make my blog, not me, the true success story. I am forever humbled and in your debt for helping to give me this once in a lifetime opportunity. I hope to not only do this blog, my friends and family, proud but most of all I want to make YOU my followers and supporters proud. Thank you again for your help, love and support over the years. You are the true stars.

With many thanks, hugs, and love,

James

Update brewing!

While sitting at my doctors office today I was reviewing the sheet that goes over why you're actually seeing the doctor and realized that HIV is listed as a common diagnosis. I've attached the photo of the sheet. It makes me sad that its listed under common :(

AIDS is getting old!

Turning 30 is a huge milestone birthday, at least, it was for most people I know. In the months leading up to my birthday I used the time to evaluate where I stood in my life. What were my accomplishments? What were my failures? As AIDS approaches its 30th birthday the people who fight the disease are asking the same questions.

While we've made significant advances against the disease, such as new medications and expanding access to treatment. HIV/AIDS is still a killer. AIDS has become the elephant in the middle of the room that no one wants to talk about. By allowing that to happen we've done a massive disservice to the early pioneers and AIDS advocates. Where modern day activists accept a promise of hope, maybe, 10 years from now the first generation of AIDS activists demanded action and answers. I m inclined to believe that the fight against HIV has willingly been placed on the back burner because our attitude has been influenced by the pharmaceutical industry.

In my opinion there is one large, unspoken truth that society has swept under the rug. While contracting HIV is not the immediate death sentence it was in the 80's and 90's. It is however, still a death sentence. Just because the medications prolong my life and help me from getting sick longer, doesn't mean that the complications from the illness will not eventually claim my life. Every 12 minutes someone in the world dies from AIDS related complications. Anti-retro virals are great. The medication Fuzeon literally saved me safe in 2006. They are my life line. However, the meds are expensive, require a strict adherence schedule and sometimes fail. I cant personally take any medicine in the NNRTI class or Isentress. This limits my fighting ability greatly. Eventually all medications lose their desired effective treatment ability. As with everything it's only a matter of time.

I am saddened, aggravated and non apologetic for my brutal honesty and no nonsense dialogue in the war against AIDS. I feel that as an activist I have the responsibility to not sugar coat or make light of this disease or its effects. I wish I could say that there is a magic pill or simple answer. There isn't. That's the reality. As we come closer to the 30th anniversary of the discovery of AIDS as we know it I would like to say its reign of terror is nearing end. That sadly isn't the reality. AIDS is a live and well. Together though we can ensure that AIDS doesn't have a 40th birthday. I know it's possible if we are open, honest, and look at HIV/AIDS as it really is. A cold blooded serial killer who needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. After 30 years there is still no cure, no vaccine, and no end in sight.

Latest AIDS statistic:

0,000,000 CURED.

PCP, Civil Rights, and Harvey Milk

It's really been a hot minute since my last update so I am going to cover a few issues/thoughts/medical updates in this blog. From the feedback that I get these are the kind of blog postings you like. Minus the sometimes infrequent updates :)
The first thing I want to cover is civil rights. Miss Sherrod (former USDA official) has been all up in the news recently and as I was sitting on the bus today I noticed the Civil Rights Act posting on the interior wall. I got to thinking what if the Civil Rights Act of 1964 read: "Under federal law it is unlawful to deny access or services with regards to race, color, national origin or sexual orientation. " Where would the GLBT movement be today? Adding two little words could have set our movement light years ahead. Remembering that the infamous Stonewall Riots occurred only 5 years after the signing of the Civil Rights Act. Hmmmmmm just some random thought.

I just got out the hospital on Tuesday after a week stint of PCP. Yes my friends, PCP. My CD4 count is at 200 and my viral load at 4800. My chest x-ray was clear but when they did the CT scan with that wonderful toxic, body warming, nuclear contrast they noticed the tell tell signs of inflammation and 7 different infiltrates growing on my lungs. We all remember my wonderful time with infiltrates and the lung shortly after I started my blog. Joyous occasion. I say all of that to say this. While I was shacked up in Northwestern Memorial Hospital I got to thinking...Where would the fight against HIV/AIDS be TODAY if Harvey Milk had not been assassinated in 1978 just 4 years before the epidemic was diagnosed in the US for the first time. For those of you who need a refresher or don't know who Harvey Milk is (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Milk). Harvey Milk is my hero and idol. I have based my public service career based on his tactics. He was an amazing man. Anyway he was instrumental in defeating Anita Bryant's Campaign in California and the State's Proposition 6 ballot. Prop 6 would have allowed firing of any public servant just because of their sexual orientation. This was the first time the extremists had been defeated in the Nation. And he spearheaded the movement. If in fact he was able to do that IMAGINE what he could have done to the face of early face of funding for HIV/AIDS. WOW. The gifts/talents our nation will never see affects us all. How sad is it that the bullet of a madman really ruins the possibility of a brighter future for millions?

Remember the commercial "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" I want to rephrase it a bit...What would you do....

- to save the life of a loved one?
- to save your own life?
- to prevent or attempt to prevent someone from making the biggest and costliest mistake of their life?
- to save your relationship?
- to become a more honest and caring person?

Such questions really cannot and are not easily answered. We put strings, stipulations, and expectations on them when these are the questions that in all honesty should be no brainers and simple one line answers...ANYTHING! "Well they hurt me" Well it doesn't mean you stop caring or loving that person! I have found myself going to extremes from swallowing a bottle of pills to physical violence because the person I love more than life itself would rather sleep with someone other than me. Does that make it right NO. I really struggle with self esteem and the feeling of not being loved. Not by family or friends....the other kind of being loved. However, I digress. These are just some random thoughts and issues I am sorting through right now. It's late kiddies and my nighty meds are starting to kick in :) I'm going to close for now. Until next time.

Hugs and love,
James

New Winds of Change

I'm in process of starting life anew. I have been brought to new levels of both humility and being humble. I am in the process of trying to compose probably the second hardest posting of the life of this blog and will be hoping to get a lot of feedback and input from you my readers. Also, I am doing something a little out of the box. For those of you who follow me and even newcomers I want to know what do you want me to write about? Life, yes of course, but I have got a few suggestions of topics people want my feelings on so I am going to make this kind of a suggestion time for you the readers. Don't be shy! More to come on the new winds of change in the upcoming days.

Hugs and love,

James

No Lie Can Live Forever

The title of the blog is actually a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King. He said it as part of a larger speech on the steps of Alabama's state capitol after the first successful march from Selma. Today it has just as much meaning as it did back then. No matter how much the Republican party wants Americans to believe this bill is bad for them and for America THIS lie cannot live forever. The hateful rhetoric that has been said/shouted, the venemous spit that has literally spit out of the mouths of GOP and "Tea Party" voters as well as the encouragement that some GOP lawmakers gave the protesters however WILL LIVE ON. In William Shakespears Julius Caesar, Marc Antony says over Caesar's body "The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones." How true this will be for GOP lawmakers. I mean really come on! As a voter I can assure you I wouldn't support nor hold anyone in a high enough light to vote for ANYONE who thinks it's o.k. to call Rep. John Lewis a NIGGER while he was walking to The Hill. Nor would I support a party whose core base thinks it's o.k. to spit on a Representative of the United States of America. Nor would I be a part of a group of voters who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to hurl words like FAGGOT to elected officials such as what was done to Rep. Barney Frank. That's right Republicans you keep egging them the hell on. How freaking childish can you really be?!? In Massachusetts recently the state government passed a non-partisan Anti-Bullying Bill targeted towards middle and high school aged students. I think it's just wonderful that those children can now turn on the television and see our lawmakers supporting and advocating and in some instances TAKING PLACE in bullying their co-workers. Way to set a good example and be the "Moral party of the 21st century." Keith Olbermann said it best "You are behind the wheel of a political Toyota."

So as many of you know I have been advocating for Universal Healthcare since this blogs creation and started experiencing the cold shoulder of insurance companies. What exactly does the passage of this bill mean in the immediate for most Americans? Well I am glad you asked. Within the next 6 months the following will take place:

• No lifetime limits or maximum lifetime payouts
• Free preventative Medicare treatment
• No annual benefit limit
• You cannot be dropped due to illness
  
• Small business will get tax credits to help provide coverage to employees
• Adult aged children up to 26 can be on their parents plan
• Drug cost assistance to seniors
• Children cannot be denied due to pre-existing conditions
• A small high risk pool will be made available to adults with serious pre-existing conditions who have not been covered by insurance within the last 6 months. All others will have to wait until 2014.

Republicans say that they have what's best for the American people at the forefront of their fight to repeal this bill on their mind. To which I reply "YOU LIE!" Tell me please how in the hell repealing this legislation is good for the American people?!? They want to know why Americans are opposed to this bill? REALLY? I mean it probably has nothing at all to do with the freaking fear mongering tactics, and lies they have been telling the American people for the last 100 years. That's right, that's not a typo. 100 years! This battle has been going on since President Teddy Roosevelt. And let's make sure there is no confusion THIS IS NOT UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!!!!! This is in fact a preservation of the current system. Republicans realistically know that there is no way that they can repeal this bill, however, if you go to John McCain's website there is a nice little button for you click to make a generous contribution to help him continue the fight to repeal Healthcare reform. He is on Medicare though...hmmmmmm if I recall from political history wasn't that considered to be socialized medicine? The Republican party swore that it would lead to socialized medicine and would destroy the country. Do they ever really just stop and think about what they say and just how stupid they look over the course of history? One of the many goals of the government is to indeed fix things that are broken. Let's look at a brief history of massive, sweeping reforms that have been passed by our nation...

• Social Security (which was said to lead to socialization and communism) passed by Democratic congress. Opposed by GOP (wonder if we can get the members of Congress who are about to or are currently collecting it to give it back or refuse payments).
• Medicare (was said that having this program in effect would lead to socialized medicine was opposed by Reagan) passed by Democratic congress. Opposed by GOP
• Civil rights legislation, passed by Democratic congress, opposed by GOP.
• Healthcare Reform, passed by Democratic congress, opposed by GOP.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? During the mid and late 1960's after Civil rights legislation was passed the GOP used the passage as a fundraising tool. Why would great, God fearing white parents want their children to go to school with some nasty nigger? That was their argument. Jesus Christ fucking really?!? That's the best they could come up with to fight equality? De-segregation could be a horrible social experiment? Or maybe they just need a hot button issue to help them raise money. God knows the days when they could actually get money based on their "moral values" and promise to legislate fairly for everyone are apparently long gone. Oh wait, they never have been really good at either. Stick with the scare tactics, it makes for a bigger fall from grace.

More Republican senators feared the passing of this bill than a terrorist attack. That's according to one GOP lawmaker. You keep focusing on Healthcare and keeping Americans sick while a plane flies into another building. Your old boss is a great example to follow. You remember September 11, 2001 when terrorists were attacking our country and Dubya sat on his ass in a Florida classroom reading My Pet Goat?

In closing I have the following to say to the Republicans and Tea party members. You fear making and keeping Americans healthy over that of a terrorist attack? Nothing more can be said than what has already been said by Minority Whip Boehner "SHAME ON YOU." There is a special place in hell for all of you. You're on the short end of the moral dipstick and I look forward to karma kicking all your selfish asses.

My name is James...

and I am an addict. I have spent many nights going over exactly how I would write this blog. I want to submit an apology to you. This blog was started and has been hailed as an honest look into everyday life with HIV and don't get me wrong it is but I have left out a part of it. For those who have been following me over the years (or newcomers who have read past couple of years posts) may recall when my friends Matt and Lee and subsequently Danny passed away relatively close together. Having two close longtime friends pass away from the very thing that I fight was too much of a reality for me. Funny that even I as a clinical therapist couldn't deal with it and turned to drugs to escape. I found it difficult to even get through the first stage of grief. I took crystal meth and found that oddly I could again be the social, outgoing, life of the party who could stay up past 10 PM again. I essentially said and pardon the express "fuck you" to AIDS related fatigue and being busy allowed me to not really deal with the deaths at the time which is what I wanted. Subsequently it allowed me to forget about my sickness which wasn't too bad of a side effect at the time to be honest. I should have never allowed it to become my go to cop out. My usage while not excusable never got excessive, there thankfully has never had to be an intervention, and has ceased. Though it took 3 years. I feel that not only through my usage but my keeping it hidden in the dark I have failed you. Most of you have followed me faithfully and put faith that I was being 100% honest and while I haven't lied I have left out a part of my life with HIV that directly affected my mental and sure at times physical state. My only hope is that you can forgive me and know that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for not giving you my full being. You all have been wonderful and continue to be. I cannot express my gratefulness and appreciation for your loyal support in the past. I hope that it's something you can allow me to keep.

Love and hugs,

James