Alright well I am sure you are waiting for the updates I promised you on Monday. Here they are. My viral load fell from 44,000 to 6,000 (ish) that is awesome news! On the other hand my CD4 count also fell and is holding in the low 500’s. Hopefully we will see them continue to improve over the next few months. I have to go on blood pressure medication as well. My BP was 158/90.
In Orthopedic news they are treating me for a shin splint. No leukemia. My doc does have me out of work for the month to make sure I have the full potential for recovery. Thanks to everyone who sent out happy thoughts.
Psychologically I am exhausted. I had a breakdown this morning. I am going to give you, my readers, a rare glimpse into something that I rarely show anyone (family and close friends included). I am going to give you my unedited feelings. I have a VERY VERY VERY small core group of friends. They are the one’s that kick my ass when it needs to be kicked, come and visit me when I am sick and call me to make sure that I am doing alright on a regular basis. In addition to that my Mom and I are very close as well. So for the life of me I cannot figure out why I feel alone. At this point I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere. A part of that has to do with my medical conditions I think. I am in my early (almost mid) 30’s and I have AIDS, high blood pressure, arthritis, chronic bronchitis, a shin splint, two time cancer survivor and I have almost no sex drive. I think it bothers me tremendously that I absolutely cannot relate to 99% of the people my age. I am truly scared. I hide that from everyone. Not because I am afraid of being weak but because I have always perceived as being the strong one. I have always been the caretaker and have always been the one saying that everything will be alright. I am to the point to where I almost don’t believe that anymore. At this point the only comfort I have is in the fact that I know while scared I don’t let that emotion control my life. Without regards to fear I feel that I do still continue on with my life as best as I can.
For the next two weeks my pill burden has shot up to 24 per day. After the two weeks is over it will go down to 23. I am tired of fighting. It seems all I have done for the last year and a half is continually fight this virus and between it and me, eventually it is going to win. It has come to the point to where I have to practically overdose on uppers some days to even get out of bed. Somewhere there is going to have to be a braking point because while a fighter I can only fight and do so much before I give out. I have very seriously considered just quitting taking my anti-AIDS meds and letting things take its natural course. If that meant I had 2 weeks or 20 years then so be it. I decided against that because while I am tired of fighting I love the very essences of life.
I wish you all could have known me prior to getting sick. I was a total riot. I ALWAYS had a bountiful supply of energy (natural not the kind you take), and I loved playing sports and walking in the park. Now only a small glimmer of who I was remains. On rare occasions when I look into the mirror I catch a glimpse of him. While not all, I have lost a lot of who I was. I would do anything to have my life and my body back. I am tired or being tired, tired of being sick, tired of being scared and certainly I am tired of feeling alone for no apparent reason.
5 comments:
I've known you on both sides of this battle and love both aspects of you. I hope you know that I will be there for you as long as you let me and will do all in my power to let you do what you feel and know is best.
You are, as I've told you before, one of the few stable things I have in my life. Let me know what I can do to make this easier on you.
I don't know you, but I can relate to how you feel. I contracted HIV in my late twenties. I am now 47 and still living without complications. I think a couple of things have helped me:
1. I started working out at the gym regularly.
2. I don't focus on the virus. I take my meds and I rarely think about the future.
I've lost all my friends from my college days and my only brother to this virus. I just recently lost my best friend of 27 years. I never imagined I would lose him. It was tough but you get through it.
Everyone has their bad days, but those feelings change. Please continue taking your meds. You're so young and do have so much ahead of you. It's hard to see that now, but one day you will look back on these days and be glad you didn't give up.
I am so touched by your emotions (1 Sep '06). I cried. Very very badly. I have never been so affected and moved by anyone, not even Mulan :) I have never read a blog (coz I think it's a personal "diary", even though it is meant to be read by strangers) let alone comment on one.
I know someone who has recently discovered he is HIV+ (last Aug). I didn't know how to deal with it. I was so lost. It took me a few days for the info to sink in. We've been best friends for 2 years and now we're (even-more) best friends.
Being in an Asian country, where HIV/Aids is a hush hush disease, he only has me as his confidante. I deliberatly share his food and just to drive home the point that I'm not an idiot, I even drink from the same straw when we are at the clubs. This simple action freaks him out and I know he tries to understand that the virus does not get passed on by sharing food.
I know he is scared and I have to be the stronger one. Whenever he is in the tune of dying/giving up/whinning/confused, I take on the tough role and "yell" at him. Thankfully that works. At this point in time, I worry for his state of mind more so than for his health coz I know he'll be all right for at least the next 7 years. He constantly worries about his looks coz he claims to be "wasting" and I worry for that day when I have to tell him that he is.
I pray everyday for him; and like himself, we both pray that despite the illness, for good health for as long as God permits. (So far he hasn't given up on God thankfully.)
Now, i will also include you in my daily prayers. I want to thank God for sharing your life so openly and bravely with us who need the strength, courage and direction. I will pray for all those around you too to continue to share their love and comfort with you.
Gratefully and with hugs
Pi (as in 3.142)
:)
I came across your page, because I was feeling tired, verry tired, alone, confused, depressed, and I searched it up on google. Not that I have AIDS, but I do understand how it feels like to lose that natural fountain of energy that we are supposed to have. You might disagree with me because it may sound harsh, but everything that has happened, was destined to happen, for a reason, for reasons that you and I probably cannot comprehend or visualize. But we can try, and in that we will find out many things, things that we are sent to earth to find out. We will all die one day, no matter how old we live to be, but remember, this limited time on earth is an opportunity, so that we can answer to our Creator when he asks, "What have you done for me?"
When you fight that virus in the name of God, for his cause, inshallah, you'll see that it WILL give you the strength to carry on.
Whatever you do, don't leave this world without having done His Work. Your good deeds will receive many more times the rewards.
God Bless.
I'm tired,too. I don't think there are solutions, are there? I am angry, actually, with the whole world and it doesn't help the situation
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