Well here I am. I made it out of the hosptial and am about as fully recovered as I am going to get. While I lost eye sight in the left eye I haven't lost sight of life. Try saying that three times fast! It was confirmed as many of you read from Joshua that I had an infection, specifically HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus 1), hijack my lymph system and travelled to my brain where it cut off the oxygen to the optic nerve in my left eye. As most of you know and remember I also have Cytomeglavirus (CMV) in the left eye as well. The CMV would "flair up" causing me to have bouts of blindness in my left eye. The difference is I knew when the blindness was coming on and that it would only be temporary. That however is no longer the case, as I have lost the vision permanently. So while yes it does suck, I am really attempting to look at the glass as being half full in this regard.
While in the hospital a very dear friend of mine offered me the opportunity to travel across the country with him to see the great United States. I always wanted to do so. While I have travelled quite extensively I have never done so by land. I have always flown. There are so many things I want to see. This trip will give me the opportunity to do so. My fear is that if I put this off then I will never get a chance to see things like Yellowstone Park, Mt. Rushmore, The Grand Canyon...All of a sudden a bright, beautiful world is only an infection away from being black and void. I will not allow that to happen. I pray that it never happens but if I do lose sight in my right eye I will have my memories of seeing the sunrise in Arizona, the Colorado River flowing through the Grand Canyon. That my friends, my memories (not only of my road trip...but of you), will be the things that keep me going in this world. So in case you haven't deduced from the paragraph I took him up on his offer and am leaving in about a week. I will be gone for 2 months. Check back here for picture updates. While on the trip I also will be keeping a written journal and once I get back I am going to publish it (or atleast the edited version:) )
For the time being I have decided to not start my AIDS meds again. My above road trip has nothing to do with it. I simply know that I am not in a place right now to where I would be compliant with the regimine. If I am not going to comply with taking the meds I simply am not going to take them. Doctors agree...wait until you're ready. So that is what I am going to do. I will take antibiotics for a few more weeks and that will be the end of regular medicine.
AIDS is a very dark place. Even I, with my strong support system, get very scared and very lonely when I am in a hospital bed. After my spinal tap on Monday when I woke up I couldn't move...I could barely talk...and all I could do was see (out of my right eye) the few people who were standing beside my bed. Everyone brace yourself for what I am about to say. I was TERRIFIED! I broke down and cried. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even reach for anyone's hand. For the first time since my AIDS diagnosis I was truly afraid that I was going to die. I openly admitted while sobbing hysterically that I didn't want to die. Not that I was or am afraid of death. I simply enjoy my life. Obviously I don't enjoy being ill but that is only a small portion of the time in the grand scheme of things. This visit to the hospital has shown me just how frail life is. To be totally honest...it has shown me that I am not the picture of health that I more times than not project to you all. This illness has shown me just how quickly life can end. Illness of the past has simply shown me how quickly I can catch pneumonia. AIDS is no longer simply a diagnosis for me but it is a living, breathing reality. One that I cannot pretend doesn't exist because it doesn't fit in with my life. AIDS is not who I am...it's what is me.
If you've made it this far congrats! In all seriousness I want to take a few lines to thank all of you! Treatment/recovery is 99% attitude! Without all of the positive people in my life I can't say that I would have the attitude that I do. All of your thoughts and prayers (for those of you pray ;) ) certainly helped me. As crazy as it may sound when I was able to sit up in the bed to eat and entertain my guests I knew that I was able to do so because of all the happy thoughts that were coming from you. The reason I know that is because when you all were sleeping, and I should have been, I was screaming for the morphine :) I do love every single one of you and can never express enough thanks for the calls, e-mails, visits, flowers, and gifts. You were (and continue to be) appreciated in a very difficult time. If there is ANYTHING I can ever do for any of you, you know my number and I expect you to use it.
With much love and gratitude,
James
