Not Ready To Make Nice...

Hello friends in blogland. As most of you who have followed me for any amount of time you know that I express a lot of my thoughts and feelings through music/poetry. The other day I was listening to the radio and the song "Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks came on. As I was signing it the thought suddenly entered my head that this song is EXACTLY how I feel about HIV. Actually it is me singing the song to HIV. If you are not familiar with the song lyrics I will post them below and then the blog will continue.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it?
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

[Chorus]

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

For the first time in two years my t-cell count has fallen below 2oo but my viral load is around 13,000. I have been put back on meds...Isentress and Truvada to be specific. Hopefully things there will improve. Overall I feel alright though. Tired a lot...BLAH!

While having HIV is not the easiest thing in the world I and countless others have suffered
GREATLY but it turning my whole world around honestly was the best thing that could have happened to me. Not saying that I am glad I contracted it but had I not this blog would have never been started. I read your comments and it makes me so proud and humble that this has not only become something for friends and family but something for people around the world.
There are times when I get so tired of fighting the illnesses and taking pills and pneumonia but all in all good health and times do prevail now. I speak out for prevention. If you are one who wants to catch HIV/AIDS think about your life and the life of people you may meet in the future. Loving yourself enough to stop your actions and not catch a horrible disease is your best "gift" to yourself. If you are a "bug chaser" please seek a type of therapy you are comfortable with. Build up your self esteem. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

I often times think of the people out there who are positive but do not get tested...for whatever reason. I was on a popular hookup site years ago and came across someone whom I know and know for a fact was positive, but in his profile he claimed to be negative. I asked him about this and even though he too knew he was positive (because he had been knowingly having unprotected anal sex with HIV infected people for years), he felt it was "ok" to say he was negative because he had never actually had an HIV antibody test. When someone would ask him he could say that he never tested positive. It's semantics yes and not ethically right but let's face it being HIV positive is not an easy road to hoe and once people know not only does your dating pool get a hell of a lot smaller but possible employment and gaining decent health insurance can become all but possible. Ignorance is not bliss, if you don't care about yourself at least care about the innocent person that you are going to possibly infect. Just because you don't want to know what you got doesn't mean that they wont. Also, if you are sexually active you are at risk. There are people who think because they are not promiscious or they have unprotected sex ONCE then there is no way they can contract it. IT'S CRAZY. FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW MANY WOMEN SAY THAT ABOUT PREGNANCY!!! Get tested and stay healthy for as long as you can.

As I have said NUMEROUS times in the past nothing is ever gained by being silent. HIV/AIDS is still alive and well. My voice has become a resonance for that. I can't think you...my readers for giving me that honor. Stay well and healthy, if not for you, then as a personal favor to me :) Even though I have never physically met 99% of you I care deeply about the well being of others and have a continued need to know that you are doing alright. Thanks again for your following. I do want your happy thoughts and prayers as I am going through a seperation and possible divorce. It's not where I want things to go but it's looking like that may be the case. I will make sure to keep you updated as things occur.
Hugs and love to all,

James