I Am But One Light

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL! Last night I went to a Candlelight Service at church (I will talk about my new church in a bit) and had one of the most beautiful and touching experiences of my life. The Chicago Children's Choir was singing Stille Nacht (Silent Night), when they got through the first verse ushers moved through the aisles and lit congregants candles. As this process was going on lights in the church went out until the only light was that of our candles. It was during this time that I completely stopped and let myself be taken by the stillness and was at absolute peace. For me symbolically all the tiny candle flames reminded me of the struggle and those who fight for HIV/AIDS related causes. My one flame in that huge church didn't really make that large of a difference but without it undeniably it would have been a little darker. During this and any holiday season (and for that fact ALL YEAR LONG) it's about realizing and extending a hand to those who are less fortunate. Yes true I am but one light just as you who are reading this is one light, but without that light, our struggle and fight would be a little darker. There is more I want to say on this subject but to do so requires me to share with you info about my new faith community. I stumbled upon Unitarian Universalism by complete accident. It has been the most WELCOMING and wonderful experience in terms of my spiritual life. If you want to read more about them go to www.uua.org Part of our denomination is that there is no creed or dogma. We adhere to The 7 Principles. One of them is "Respect for the interdependent web of existence of which we are all apart." It doesn't matter our financial situations, our disabilities, our cultural or religious differences. When it comes down to the "nitty gritty" we are all part of the exact same web of existence. I urge you to take this attitude as you head into the new year. Imagine how much better our world and lives would be if we all took embraced that powerful principle. Let's pass the flame on and light up our world. I am but one light.

As some of you know my birthday is RAPIDLY approaching, December 30th to be exact (for those of you who didn't know) :) This year in lieu of gifts I am asking that people make a contribution to The Foundation for AIDS Research. You may do so through my facebook page. I will post a link to the fundraising link below. Any help you can give to the Foundation is appreciated and will help fight HIV/AIDS. Thanks in advance for the consideration and donation if possible. http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/244103

I wish you all love and peace during the remainder of the holiday season as well as the years to come! I love and appreciate you all.

Peace and love,

James

Not Ready To Make Nice...

Hello friends in blogland. As most of you who have followed me for any amount of time you know that I express a lot of my thoughts and feelings through music/poetry. The other day I was listening to the radio and the song "Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks came on. As I was signing it the thought suddenly entered my head that this song is EXACTLY how I feel about HIV. Actually it is me singing the song to HIV. If you are not familiar with the song lyrics I will post them below and then the blog will continue.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it?
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

[Chorus]

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

For the first time in two years my t-cell count has fallen below 2oo but my viral load is around 13,000. I have been put back on meds...Isentress and Truvada to be specific. Hopefully things there will improve. Overall I feel alright though. Tired a lot...BLAH!

While having HIV is not the easiest thing in the world I and countless others have suffered
GREATLY but it turning my whole world around honestly was the best thing that could have happened to me. Not saying that I am glad I contracted it but had I not this blog would have never been started. I read your comments and it makes me so proud and humble that this has not only become something for friends and family but something for people around the world.
There are times when I get so tired of fighting the illnesses and taking pills and pneumonia but all in all good health and times do prevail now. I speak out for prevention. If you are one who wants to catch HIV/AIDS think about your life and the life of people you may meet in the future. Loving yourself enough to stop your actions and not catch a horrible disease is your best "gift" to yourself. If you are a "bug chaser" please seek a type of therapy you are comfortable with. Build up your self esteem. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

I often times think of the people out there who are positive but do not get tested...for whatever reason. I was on a popular hookup site years ago and came across someone whom I know and know for a fact was positive, but in his profile he claimed to be negative. I asked him about this and even though he too knew he was positive (because he had been knowingly having unprotected anal sex with HIV infected people for years), he felt it was "ok" to say he was negative because he had never actually had an HIV antibody test. When someone would ask him he could say that he never tested positive. It's semantics yes and not ethically right but let's face it being HIV positive is not an easy road to hoe and once people know not only does your dating pool get a hell of a lot smaller but possible employment and gaining decent health insurance can become all but possible. Ignorance is not bliss, if you don't care about yourself at least care about the innocent person that you are going to possibly infect. Just because you don't want to know what you got doesn't mean that they wont. Also, if you are sexually active you are at risk. There are people who think because they are not promiscious or they have unprotected sex ONCE then there is no way they can contract it. IT'S CRAZY. FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW MANY WOMEN SAY THAT ABOUT PREGNANCY!!! Get tested and stay healthy for as long as you can.

As I have said NUMEROUS times in the past nothing is ever gained by being silent. HIV/AIDS is still alive and well. My voice has become a resonance for that. I can't think you...my readers for giving me that honor. Stay well and healthy, if not for you, then as a personal favor to me :) Even though I have never physically met 99% of you I care deeply about the well being of others and have a continued need to know that you are doing alright. Thanks again for your following. I do want your happy thoughts and prayers as I am going through a seperation and possible divorce. It's not where I want things to go but it's looking like that may be the case. I will make sure to keep you updated as things occur.
Hugs and love to all,

James

You Have AIDS

Today is December 1st. It is a sort of National holiday. Albeit not like Secretary's Day, or Arbor Day...We don't go around saying Happy World AIDS Day! It's certainly not a day that is to be celebrated, more a day for personal reflection. Perhaps one of the best corporate outreaches was Aldo's "If one person has AIDS, we all do." It's a shame that we do not embrace that ideology. HIV/AIDS is a disease that needs to be done away with permanently. To me it's amazing how quickly science can develop a vaccine for a new flu, or for measels, or shingles but after 2 decades there still isn't a vaccine for HIV. I know this posting is late for you to take action now but I want to challenge you to call your state Representative and Senators and tell them to step up action and actually take a proactive approach to fund research for an AIDS vaccine. This is not a "their" problem, this is our problem. If one takes the 7 degree of seperation approach I guarantee that you are indeed affected but HIV and/or AIDS. And if one has HIV/AIDS then so do you.