01 February 2010

My name is James...

and I am an addict. I have spent many nights going over exactly how I would write this blog. I want to submit an apology to you. This blog was started and has been hailed as an honest look into everyday life with HIV and don't get me wrong it is but I have left out a part of it. For those who have been following me over the years (or newcomers who have read past couple of years posts) may recall when my friends Matt and Lee and subsequently Danny passed away relatively close together. Having two close longtime friends pass away from the very thing that I fight was too much of a reality for me. Funny that even I as a clinical therapist couldn't deal with it and turned to drugs to escape. I found it difficult to even get through the first stage of grief. I took crystal meth and found that oddly I could again be the social, outgoing, life of the party who could stay up past 10 PM again. I essentially said and pardon the express "fuck you" to AIDS related fatigue and being busy allowed me to not really deal with the deaths at the time which is what I wanted. Subsequently it allowed me to forget about my sickness which wasn't too bad of a side effect at the time to be honest. I should have never allowed it to become my go to cop out. My usage while not excusable never got excessive, there thankfully has never had to be an intervention, and has ceased. Though it took 3 years. I feel that not only through my usage but my keeping it hidden in the dark I have failed you. Most of you have followed me faithfully and put faith that I was being 100% honest and while I haven't lied I have left out a part of my life with HIV that directly affected my mental and sure at times physical state. My only hope is that you can forgive me and know that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for not giving you my full being. You all have been wonderful and continue to be. I cannot express my gratefulness and appreciation for your loyal support in the past. I hope that it's something you can allow me to keep.

Love and hugs,

James

7 comments:

Rich said...

I'm just glad to know that you have been able to stop using. Your apology is accepted; I have missed reading your posts. How is your health these days?

Gus said...

HI JAMES,
i've only recently started reading your blog. Very recently actually. I'm in love with it. I want to encourage you to keep doing what you're doing best: writing! and living life! and giving people out there important information about living with HIV! I'm glad you're off the drugs. I can understand how they can be appealing, but nothing good can really come of them.
I check your blog several times and wish that you'd write more often! please keep writing buddy.

edmontonboi said...

Thank you for your honesty and thank you for this blog. I just found out on March 1st I am HIV Positive. Reading your blog has made me laugh and cry. You are inspiring and I hope you continue to write on your blog. You have inspired me to write my own blog, thank you!!!!

Aaron said...

James,

I'm not sure how you will respond to this, but I'm proud of you for re-becoming the person I know you can be.

You know how to contact me if you want,

Aaron

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Michael said...

Found your intersting blog and thought you may like to look at
http://hivex.blogspot.com/ and also the link to the Hivex website which is on the blog.
I am working with this project which was only releaseed a few months ago.
Also see:
http://hivhealing.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Im Ms Jamar im feeling real depress im HIV positive need a friend to relate to call me 3239017238