Still Arriving

Today's A Big Day!!!!

2011-06-15T10:56:00.001-05:00

I have expressed many times that I am humbled by the overwhelming and unexpected success of this blog. Without you the followers and readers this blog would have just disappeared. With you help I have been able to reach people who not only just found out they were positive but others who have in fact been living with HIV/AIDS for years. With many thanks to ALL of you my dream of spreading awareness and giving a face to this illness is reaching a new height. Yesterday I was contacted by a Senior Producer at CNN who asked if I would be interested in being a featured guest on CNN live to discuss living with the illness and how over the years I have thrived. I jumped at the opportunity and can't wait to share my thoughts with the world. The segment is scheduled to air TODAY AT 1:45 CENTRAL TIME WHICH IS 2:45 EASTERN.

Yes, I took the first step by creating this blog but since then its been you who have taken the steps to help make my blog, not me, the true success story. I am forever humbled and in your debt for helping to give me this once in a lifetime opportunity. I hope to not only do this blog, my friends and family, proud but most of all I want to make YOU my followers and supporters proud. Thank you again for your help, love and support over the years. You are the true stars.

With many thanks, hugs, and love,

James

Update brewing!

2011-06-03T10:12:00.001-05:00

While sitting at my doctors office today I was reviewing the sheet that goes over why you're actually seeing the doctor and realized that HIV is listed as a common diagnosis. I've attached the photo of the sheet. It makes me sad that its listed under common :(

AIDS is getting old!

2011-05-12T05:17:00.000-05:00

Turning 30 is a huge milestone birthday, at least, it was for most people I know. In the months leading up to my birthday I used the time to evaluate where I stood in my life. What were my accomplishments? What were my failures? As AIDS approaches its 30th birthday the people who fight the disease are asking the same questions.

While we've made significant advances against the disease, such as new medications and expanding access to treatment. HIV/AIDS is still a killer. AIDS has become the elephant in the middle of the room that no one wants to talk about. By allowing that to happen we've done a massive disservice to the early pioneers and AIDS advocates. Where modern day activists accept a promise of hope, maybe, 10 years from now the first generation of AIDS activists demanded action and answers. I m inclined to believe that the fight against HIV has willingly been placed on the back burner because our attitude has been influenced by the pharmaceutical industry.

In my opinion there is one large, unspoken truth that society has swept under the rug. While contracting HIV is not the immediate death sentence it was in the 80's and 90's. It is however, still a death sentence. Just because the medications prolong my life and help me from getting sick longer, doesn't mean that the complications from the illness will not eventually claim my life. Every 12 minutes someone in the world dies from AIDS related complications. Anti-retro virals are great. The medication Fuzeon literally saved me safe in 2006. They are my life line. However, the meds are expensive, require a strict adherence schedule and sometimes fail. I cant personally take any medicine in the NNRTI class or Isentress. This limits my fighting ability greatly. Eventually all medications lose their desired effective treatment ability. As with everything it's only a matter of time.

I am saddened, aggravated and non apologetic for my brutal honesty and no nonsense dialogue in the war against AIDS. I feel that as an activist I have the responsibility to not sugar coat or make light of this disease or its effects. I wish I could say that there is a magic pill or simple answer. There isn't. That's the reality. As we come closer to the 30th anniversary of the discovery of AIDS as we know it I would like to say its reign of terror is nearing end. That sadly isn't the reality. AIDS is a live and well. Together though we can ensure that AIDS doesn't have a 40th birthday. I know it's possible if we are open, honest, and look at HIV/AIDS as it really is. A cold blooded serial killer who needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. After 30 years there is still no cure, no vaccine, and no end in sight.

Latest AIDS statistic:

0,000,000 CURED.

PCP, Civil Rights, and Harvey Milk

2010-07-22T21:42:00.001-05:00

It's really been a hot minute since my last update so I am going to cover a few issues/thoughts/medical updates in this blog. From the feedback that I get these are the kind of blog postings you like. Minus the sometimes infrequent updates :)
The first thing I want to cover is civil rights. Miss Sherrod (former USDA official) has been all up in the news recently and as I was sitting on the bus today I noticed the Civil Rights Act posting on the interior wall. I got to thinking what if the Civil Rights Act of 1964 read: "Under federal law it is unlawful to deny access or services with regards to race, color, national origin or sexual orientation. " Where would the GLBT movement be today? Adding two little words could have set our movement light years ahead. Remembering that the infamous Stonewall Riots occurred only 5 years after the signing of the Civil Rights Act. Hmmmmmm just some random thought.

I just got out the hospital on Tuesday after a week stint of PCP. Yes my friends, PCP. My CD4 count is at 200 and my viral load at 4800. My chest x-ray was clear but when they did the CT scan with that wonderful toxic, body warming, nuclear contrast they noticed the tell tell signs of inflammation and 7 different infiltrates growing on my lungs. We all remember my wonderful time with infiltrates and the lung shortly after I started my blog. Joyous occasion. I say all of that to say this. While I was shacked up in Northwestern Memorial Hospital I got to thinking...Where would the fight against HIV/AIDS be TODAY if Harvey Milk had not been assassinated in 1978 just 4 years before the epidemic was diagnosed in the US for the first time. For those of you who need a refresher or don't know who Harvey Milk is (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Milk). Harvey Milk is my hero and idol. I have based my public service career based on his tactics. He was an amazing man. Anyway he was instrumental in defeating Anita Bryant's Campaign in California and the State's Proposition 6 ballot. Prop 6 would have allowed firing of any public servant just because of their sexual orientation. This was the first time the extremists had been defeated in the Nation. And he spearheaded the movement. If in fact he was able to do that IMAGINE what he could have done to the face of early face of funding for HIV/AIDS. WOW. The gifts/talents our nation will never see affects us all. How sad is it that the bullet of a madman really ruins the possibility of a brighter future for millions?

Remember the commercial "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" I want to rephrase it a bit...What would you do....

- to save the life of a loved one?
- to save your own life?
- to prevent or attempt to prevent someone from making the biggest and costliest mistake of their life?
- to save your relationship?
- to become a more honest and caring person?

Such questions really cannot and are not easily answered. We put strings, stipulations, and expectations on them when these are the questions that in all honesty should be no brainers and simple one line answers...ANYTHING! "Well they hurt me" Well it doesn't mean you stop caring or loving that person! I have found myself going to extremes from swallowing a bottle of pills to physical violence because the person I love more than life itself would rather sleep with someone other than me. Does that make it right NO. I really struggle with self esteem and the feeling of not being loved. Not by family or friends....the other kind of being loved. However, I digress. These are just some random thoughts and issues I am sorting through right now. It's late kiddies and my nighty meds are starting to kick in :) I'm going to close for now. Until next time.

Hugs and love,
James

New Winds of Change

2010-07-10T19:46:00.002-05:00

I'm in process of starting life anew. I have been brought to new levels of both humility and being humble. I am in the process of trying to compose probably the second hardest posting of the life of this blog and will be hoping to get a lot of feedback and input from you my readers. Also, I am doing something a little out of the box. For those of you who follow me and even newcomers I want to know what do you want me to write about? Life, yes of course, but I have got a few suggestions of topics people want my feelings on so I am going to make this kind of a suggestion time for you the readers. Don't be shy! More to come on the new winds of change in the upcoming days.

Hugs and love,

James

No Lie Can Live Forever

2010-03-23T07:40:00.002-05:00

The title of the blog is actually a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King. He said it as part of a larger speech on the steps of Alabama's state capitol after the first successful march from Selma. Today it has just as much meaning as it did back then. No matter how much the Republican party wants Americans to believe this bill is bad for them and for America THIS lie cannot live forever. The hateful rhetoric that has been said/shouted, the venemous spit that has literally spit out of the mouths of GOP and "Tea Party" voters as well as the encouragement that some GOP lawmakers gave the protesters however WILL LIVE ON. In William Shakespears Julius Caesar, Marc Antony says over Caesar's body "The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones." How true this will be for GOP lawmakers. I mean really come on! As a voter I can assure you I wouldn't support nor hold anyone in a high enough light to vote for ANYONE who thinks it's o.k. to call Rep. John Lewis a NIGGER while he was walking to The Hill. Nor would I support a party whose core base thinks it's o.k. to spit on a Representative of the United States of America. Nor would I be a part of a group of voters who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to hurl words like FAGGOT to elected officials such as what was done to Rep. Barney Frank. That's right Republicans you keep egging them the hell on. How freaking childish can you really be?!? In Massachusetts recently the state government passed a non-partisan Anti-Bullying Bill targeted towards middle and high school aged students. I think it's just wonderful that those children can now turn on the television and see our lawmakers supporting and advocating and in some instances TAKING PLACE in bullying their co-workers. Way to set a good example and be the "Moral party of the 21st century." Keith Olbermann said it best "You are behind the wheel of a political Toyota."

So as many of you know I have been advocating for Universal Healthcare since this blogs creation and started experiencing the cold shoulder of insurance companies. What exactly does the passage of this bill mean in the immediate for most Americans? Well I am glad you asked. Within the next 6 months the following will take place:

No lifetime limits or maximum lifetime payouts
Free preventative Medicare treatment
No annual benefit limit
You cannot be dropped due to illness
Small business will get tax credits to help provide coverage to employees
Adult aged children up to 26 can be on their parents plan
Drug cost assistance to seniors
Children cannot be denied due to pre-existing conditions
A small high risk pool will be made available to adults with serious pre-existing conditions who have not been covered by insurance within the last 6 months. All others will have to wait until 2014.

Republicans say that they have what's best for the American people at the forefront of their fight to repeal this bill on their mind. To which I reply "YOU LIE!" Tell me please how in the hell repealing this legislation is good for the American people?!? They want to know why Americans are opposed to this bill? REALLY? I mean it probably has nothing at all to do with the freaking fear mongering tactics, and lies they have been telling the American people for the last 100 years. That's right, that's not a typo. 100 years! This battle has been going on since President Teddy Roosevelt. And let's make sure there is no confusion THIS IS NOT UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!!!!! This is in fact a preservation of the current system. Republicans realistically know that there is no way that they can repeal this bill, however, if you go to John McCain's website there is a nice little button for you click to make a generous contribution to help him continue the fight to repeal Healthcare reform. He is on Medicare though...hmmmmmm if I recall from political history wasn't that considered to be socialized medicine? The Republican party swore that it would lead to socialized medicine and would destroy the country. Do they ever really just stop and think about what they say and just how stupid they look over the course of history? One of the many goals of the government is to indeed fix things that are broken. Let's look at a brief history of massive, sweeping reforms that have been passed by our nation...

Social Security (which was said to lead to socialization and communism) passed by Democratic congress. Opposed by GOP (wonder if we can get the members of Congress who are about to or are currently collecting it to give it back or refuse payments).
Medicare (was said that having this program in effect would lead to socialized medicine was opposed by Reagan) passed by Democratic congress. Opposed by GOP
Civil rights legislation, passed by Democratic congress, opposed by GOP.
Healthcare Reform, passed by Democratic congress, opposed by GOP.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? During the mid and late 1960's after Civil rights legislation was passed the GOP used the passage as a fundraising tool. Why would great, God fearing white parents want their children to go to school with some nasty nigger? That was their argument. Jesus Christ fucking really?!? That's the best they could come up with to fight equality? De-segregation could be a horrible social experiment? Or maybe they just need a hot button issue to help them raise money. God knows the days when they could actually get money based on their "moral values" and promise to legislate fairly for everyone are apparently long gone. Oh wait, they never have been really good at either. Stick with the scare tactics, it makes for a bigger fall from grace.

More Republican senators feared the passing of this bill than a terrorist attack. That's according to one GOP lawmaker. You keep focusing on Healthcare and keeping Americans sick while a plane flies into another building. Your old boss is a great example to follow. You remember September 11, 2001 when terrorists were attacking our country and Dubya sat on his ass in a Florida classroom reading My Pet Goat?

In closing I have the following to say to the Republicans and Tea party members. You fear making and keeping Americans healthy over that of a terrorist attack? Nothing more can be said than what has already been said by Minority Whip Boehner "SHAME ON YOU." There is a special place in hell for all of you. You're on the short end of the moral dipstick and I look forward to karma kicking all your selfish asses.

My name is James...

2010-02-01T20:13:00.002-06:00

and I am an addict. I have spent many nights going over exactly how I would write this blog. I want to submit an apology to you. This blog was started and has been hailed as an honest look into everyday life with HIV and don't get me wrong it is but I have left out a part of it. For those who have been following me over the years (or newcomers who have read past couple of years posts) may recall when my friends Matt and Lee and subsequently Danny passed away relatively close together. Having two close longtime friends pass away from the very thing that I fight was too much of a reality for me. Funny that even I as a clinical therapist couldn't deal with it and turned to drugs to escape. I found it difficult to even get through the first stage of grief. I took crystal meth and found that oddly I could again be the social, outgoing, life of the party who could stay up past 10 PM again. I essentially said and pardon the express "fuck you" to AIDS related fatigue and being busy allowed me to not really deal with the deaths at the time which is what I wanted. Subsequently it allowed me to forget about my sickness which wasn't too bad of a side effect at the time to be honest. I should have never allowed it to become my go to cop out. My usage while not excusable never got excessive, there thankfully has never had to be an intervention, and has ceased. Though it took 3 years. I feel that not only through my usage but my keeping it hidden in the dark I have failed you. Most of you have followed me faithfully and put faith that I was being 100% honest and while I haven't lied I have left out a part of my life with HIV that directly affected my mental and sure at times physical state. My only hope is that you can forgive me and know that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for not giving you my full being. You all have been wonderful and continue to be. I cannot express my gratefulness and appreciation for your loyal support in the past. I hope that it's something you can allow me to keep.

Love and hugs,

James

GET YOUR OWN COLOR!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-17T18:36:00.002-06:00

Ok now I am sympathetic to just about every humanitarian cause known to man but I am here to tell you I am just about over the taking of the red ribbon. For those of you who do not know the history of the red ribbon here is a short but pointed history lesson: First worn publicly by Jeremy Irons at the 1991 Tony Awards, the ribbon soon became renowned as an international symbol of AIDS awareness, becoming a politically correct fashion accessory on the lapels of celebrities. It became more widly known as a symbol for HIV/AIDS awareness when Elizabeth Taylor first wore it at an awards show when her best friend at the time Rock Hudson died of AIDS related complications.

I am truly empathetic to the people of Haiti and their suffering. What I am not empathetic to is the overuse of the ribbons and I am over people taking the red ribbon and making it for whatever cause suits their particular need. No wonder major issues of society have become "back burner" issues. We don't know what in the hell people are wearing ribbons of awareness for. People of Haiti you have my full support for the rebuilding of your country. People of America you don't have my support to take our color of HIV/AIDS awareness for whatever you see fit!

I Am But One Light

2009-12-25T22:13:00.004-06:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL! Last night I went to a Candlelight Service at church (I will talk about my new church in a bit) and had one of the most beautiful and touching experiences of my life. The Chicago Children's Choir was singing Stille Nacht (Silent Night), when they got through the first verse ushers moved through the aisles and lit congregants candles. As this process was going on lights in the church went out until the only light was that of our candles. It was during this time that I completely stopped and let myself be taken by the stillness and was at absolute peace. For me symbolically all the tiny candle flames reminded me of the struggle and those who fight for HIV/AIDS related causes. My one flame in that huge church didn't really make that large of a difference but without it undeniably it would have been a little darker. During this and any holiday season (and for that fact ALL YEAR LONG) it's about realizing and extending a hand to those who are less fortunate. Yes true I am but one light just as you who are reading this is one light, but without that light, our struggle and fight would be a little darker. There is more I want to say on this subject but to do so requires me to share with you info about my new faith community. I stumbled upon Unitarian Universalism by complete accident. It has been the most WELCOMING and wonderful experience in terms of my spiritual life. If you want to read more about them go to www.uua.org Part of our denomination is that there is no creed or dogma. We adhere to The 7 Principles. One of them is "Respect for the interdependent web of existence of which we are all apart." It doesn't matter our financial situations, our disabilities, our cultural or religious differences. When it comes down to the "nitty gritty" we are all part of the exact same web of existence. I urge you to take this attitude as you head into the new year. Imagine how much better our world and lives would be if we all took embraced that powerful principle. Let's pass the flame on and light up our world. I am but one light.

As some of you know my birthday is RAPIDLY approaching, December 30th to be exact (for those of you who didn't know) :) This year in lieu of gifts I am asking that people make a contribution to The Foundation for AIDS Research. You may do so through my facebook page. I will post a link to the fundraising link below. Any help you can give to the Foundation is appreciated and will help fight HIV/AIDS. Thanks in advance for the consideration and donation if possible. http://apps.facebook.com/causes/birthdays/244103

I wish you all love and peace during the remainder of the holiday season as well as the years to come! I love and appreciate you all.

Peace and love,

James

Not Ready To Make Nice...

2009-12-14T23:51:00.000-06:00

Hello friends in blogland. As most of you who have followed me for any amount of time you know that I express a lot of my thoughts and feelings through music/poetry. The other day I was listening to the radio and the song "Not Ready To Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks came on. As I was signing it the thought suddenly entered my head that this song is EXACTLY how I feel about HIV. Actually it is me singing the song to HIV. If you are not familiar with the song lyrics I will post them below and then the blog will continue.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it?
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

[Chorus]

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

For the first time in two years my t-cell count has fallen below 2oo but my viral load is around 13,000. I have been put back on meds...Isentress and Truvada to be specific. Hopefully things there will improve. Overall I feel alright though. Tired a lot...BLAH!

While having HIV is not the easiest thing in the world I and countless others have suffered
GREATLY but it turning my whole world around honestly was the best thing that could have happened to me. Not saying that I am glad I contracted it but had I not this blog would have never been started. I read your comments and it makes me so proud and humble that this has not only become something for friends and family but something for people around the world.
There are times when I get so tired of fighting the illnesses and taking pills and pneumonia but all in all good health and times do prevail now. I speak out for prevention. If you are one who wants to catch HIV/AIDS think about your life and the life of people you may meet in the future. Loving yourself enough to stop your actions and not catch a horrible disease is your best "gift" to yourself. If you are a "bug chaser" please seek a type of therapy you are comfortable with. Build up your self esteem. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

I often times think of the people out there who are positive but do not get tested...for whatever reason. I was on a popular hookup site years ago and came across someone whom I know and know for a fact was positive, but in his profile he claimed to be negative. I asked him about this and even though he too knew he was positive (because he had been knowingly having unprotected anal sex with HIV infected people for years), he felt it was "ok" to say he was negative because he had never actually had an HIV antibody test. When someone would ask him he could say that he never tested positive. It's semantics yes and not ethically right but let's face it being HIV positive is not an easy road to hoe and once people know not only does your dating pool get a hell of a lot smaller but possible employment and gaining decent health insurance can become all but possible. Ignorance is not bliss, if you don't care about yourself at least care about the innocent person that you are going to possibly infect. Just because you don't want to know what you got doesn't mean that they wont. Also, if you are sexually active you are at risk. There are people who think because they are not promiscious or they have unprotected sex ONCE then there is no way they can contract it. IT'S CRAZY. FOR GOD'S SAKE HOW MANY WOMEN SAY THAT ABOUT PREGNANCY!!! Get tested and stay healthy for as long as you can.

As I have said NUMEROUS times in the past nothing is ever gained by being silent. HIV/AIDS is still alive and well. My voice has become a resonance for that. I can't think you...my readers for giving me that honor. Stay well and healthy, if not for you, then as a personal favor to me :) Even though I have never physically met 99% of you I care deeply about the well being of others and have a continued need to know that you are doing alright. Thanks again for your following. I do want your happy thoughts and prayers as I am going through a seperation and possible divorce. It's not where I want things to go but it's looking like that may be the case. I will make sure to keep you updated as things occur.
Hugs and love to all,

James

You Have AIDS

2009-12-01T21:58:00.004-06:00

Today is December 1st. It is a sort of National holiday. Albeit not like Secretary's Day, or Arbor Day...We don't go around saying Happy World AIDS Day! It's certainly not a day that is to be celebrated, more a day for personal reflection. Perhaps one of the best corporate outreaches was Aldo's "If one person has AIDS, we all do." It's a shame that we do not embrace that ideology. HIV/AIDS is a disease that needs to be done away with permanently. To me it's amazing how quickly science can develop a vaccine for a new flu, or for measels, or shingles but after 2 decades there still isn't a vaccine for HIV. I know this posting is late for you to take action now but I want to challenge you to call your state Representative and Senators and tell them to step up action and actually take a proactive approach to fund research for an AIDS vaccine. This is not a "their" problem, this is our problem. If one takes the 7 degree of seperation approach I guarantee that you are indeed affected but HIV and/or AIDS. And if one has HIV/AIDS then so do you.

Americans really PISS me off

2009-08-04T14:18:00.001-05:00

I have been watching CNN extensively and the subject being talked most about is Healthcare Reform. This country disgusts me! One woman in a town hall meeting got up and asked why should SHE be taxed to pay for healthcare for Americans who can't afford it? You know what you selfish jackass why should innocent Americans go and fight for your freedom? Get your ass up, put on a uniform and go defend your own freedom! Someone else shouldn't have to die for you. Sadly, our men and women in the armed forces do and must die to protect our freedom. All of the greatest civilizations in the past have fallen due to greed, pride and poor leadership. What's sad is that people in this country just listen to the talking points of the leaders of their party and they do ABSOLUTELY NO research on Healthcare Reform, nor do they actually take a step back and look at the other countries who actually have implemented the reform. People who do have healthcare are DYING everyday because the insurance company wont pay for a much needed procedure. People who DO NOT have healthcare insurance die everyday because they cant access the care that they need. So if you do have insurance and ONE person dies that means that somewhere there is a MAJOR flaw and therefore there really needs to be MAJOR reform. If the only reason a person has to die is because they do not have health insurance I think it's really shitty for people in this country to be up in arms about paying a little extra in taxes to keep them alive. For a nation that prides themself on being "Christian" it's the same typical hypocritical BS that they always show. I can assure you if Jesus walked by someone who was dying he didn't ask if they could afford it! For all those good christian folks out there...the people who die because they cant access care their blood is on your hands! Take that to God on judgment day and explain why your money was more important.

Disclosure

2009-07-07T02:26:00.002-05:00

I am struggling MAJORILY. After 5 years of blogging and speaking about my status to journalists, being on television, speaking to large groups I never imagined that I would struggle with disclosure. Let me explain. In Atlanta I have a very small but VERY close group of friends. They are very supportive and always there when I get sick. That being said a large percentage of them were gay. I only have two straight friends from all my time in Atlanta. It's not that I am opposed to them...the opportunity just never arose for me to interact or meet them really. However, now I am in Chicago, all of that has changed. I have a few gay friends and more straight friends. I met them through a part time job I got as a photographer. None of them have EVER given me any reason to feel "threatned" or frightened by telling them but one just never knows.

I started thinking about this issue about 6 weeks ago when a fellow photographer was working and a big photoboard tipped over and hit him in the head. He suffered a pretty nasty cut and was taken to the hospital. I was no where near the location of the accident but there was blood all over everything. I know that HIV doesn't live outside of the body for more than 15 seconds, but do they? In the past for instance whenever I have been at my Moms house and something happens where I am bleeding I of course am the one that freaks out (she stays calm) and will not allow anyone near me until I get the bleeding under control. My concern is if this of course happens while I am working I don't really have the luxury of secluding myself quickly. So do I tell my co-workers/friends that I am HIV positive? It's not like people would be jumping up and down in my blood and if I remember my OSHA correctly all accidents involving blood are treated the same way. There isn't any extra gear if it's the blood of someone who is positive.

Grrrrr this is sooooooo frustrating for me. After all of these years I never imagined that I would find myself struggling with disclosure! I will think on this further and will blog what I decide to do and how it goes.

Happy belated 4th! Hope everyone had a great holiday.

James

Why I Really Fight HIV...

2009-06-15T21:54:00.002-05:00

Like some people there are times when I wonder about the meaning and purpose of my life. I think to this very blog. Tonight I sat down and read every single post and every comment all over again. WOW! I was a pretty bitter and angry person at times. Other times, I saw a scared little boy, afraid he was going to miss out on all life had to offer. What kept me writing? I looked back at some of your comments and have included 10 that I have received from you, my readers:

Anonymous said...You are very brave to be so open about your (well, ok...our disease). I am in complete isolation and "out" to nobody about it. Thanks for blogging so I feel I'm not alone.
Anonymous said...I admire you and thank you for your blog. I suffer from our disease in silence and isolation to avoid the shame my children would bare.
Anonymous said...I wish I had your courage. Your writing is inspirational. YOU are leaving your mark in the world. YOU are making a difference. Thank you.
Anonymous said...I am so touched by your emotions (1 Sep '06). I cried. Very very badly. I have never been so affected and moved by anyone, not even Mulan :) I have never read a blog (coz I think it's a personal "diary", even though it is meant to be read by strangers) let alone comment on one...I want to thank God for sharing your life so openly and bravely with us who need the strength, courage and direction. I will pray for all those around you too to continue to share their love and comfort with you.
Anonymous said...I have been reading through your posts. Thank you so much for sharing your life and struggles. I have HIV but I hvae kept it a secret from everyone and thus have isolated myself. Thank you again.
Anonymous said...I'm praying for you. I know I've always just been a lurker, but you have been a great source of inspiration to me.
Anonymous said...I was just going through blogs and stumbled upon yours. Its sadly beautiful. Its beauty is in the plain simple and honest language...
sally06 said...Hi James, I am a positive woman living in Italy. I have been reading just a few posts in your blog but I'm going on reading. I just write to tell you that I understand your fear to be unable to "see and live enough life"
Sharlene said...I am in my second year of medical school and we are in our "Skin, Blood and Lymph" section. I am learning a lot about life with HIV/AIDS from your blog. I appreciate the honesty in your posts and I thank you for helping me put life to a disease I only [currently and not even that well at this point] understand with facts and numbers. As I read your posts, I notice myself going through a wide range of emotions. This has been so enriching and educational.

i love what you are doing .please keep it up. `we` need to know that people care.this is my email, please keep in touch.am hiv poz.would like to meet peole like me, am female,live in africa. keep in touch ayo

You all have been such a HUGE source of support and love. When I first started this blog it was meant to keep my family and close friends updated on my health because it's easier for me to convey my thoughts and feelings in writing. What I did not know was that it would reach as far across the world as it has. I have received comments from coast to coast, Europe, Asia, Africa, from HIV positive people to negative people. This blog has been linked to medworm.com, about.aids.com, and several other blogs and websites. I never imagined that me sharing my life and personal struggles would be a source of inspiration.

Today just out of curiosity I put HIV blog into google search and it's with a humble heart I tell you my blog is #1 on the return list. The significance of that is the fact that the more someone clicks on my blog from google the more "popular" it becomes and thus moves further up the list. This of course is not a popularity contest, it's about you helping me get my story out there. I want my story, as odd as it is to me, to continue to be a source of inspiration and hope for people in the world who live in isolation and have no one else to turn to...either by choice or situation.

Thank you my loyal readers for being my inspiration and sticking by me through 5 CRAZY years. Here is to 5 more years.

Love and peace,

James

2009-05-29T11:59:00.003-05:00

ur happy thoughts please. Thanks and love to all!

2009-05-29T11:59:00.001-05:00

EEK I had a staph infection cut out of my finger two days ago. I feel like shit today. Hopefully I will get the money for antibiotics soon. Keep me in yo

Liberty and Justice...for ALL?

2009-05-28T00:53:00.002-05:00

Picture it, Georgia 1983, A man in his early 30's comes out to his parents as having HIV. Horrified they disown him and never PHYSICALLY speak to him again. Now imagine it's 23 years later and he is in the hospital dying of AIDS related complications, unconscience, beside him is his loving "partner" of 25 years. He is there holding his hand, perhaps talking to him, hoping he can hear him tell stories of the time they met, or that wonderful vacation that they took together. All of a sudden out of nowhere a hospital security guard comes in with a group of people that the partner has never seen before DEMANDING that he is not welcome in the room anymore and that he must leave the property. They are the dying mans family and want to be alone with him. You are escorted out of the room and will never see him alive again. One day you are informed that you lover has passed away while you sat at home...helpless. You try to contact the family to find out about funeral arrangements only to be told that they have possession of his body and you are ABSOLUTELY not welcome to the funeral.

Does that sound like a nightmare to you? That is a true story that happened to my friend in 2006. I joke a lot about wanting the tax benefits of marriage. Honestly though, it's all about legal protection. I do not see for one minute where a family that completely turned their back on a loved one has the right to come back in the last days to exercise rights that they threw away. This my friends is not an uncommon occurrence. When Chad and I flew to California and got married we were assuring ourselves that in at least a handful of states we were protected. We paid $90.00 for our licence and was afforded all the rights of our heterosexual counterparts. Compare that to the THOUSANDS of dollars that people in same sex relationships have to pay (attorney's fee, court fees, etc.) to get a FRACTION of the rights.

I feel that opponents of same sex marriage really do not think about what their lives would be like it their relationships had to be structured like ours. What would it feel like to think that you have you entire life in order and God forbid anything happens to you and you loved one and all of a sudden the rug is snatched out from underneath you. It would be like constantly walking on eggshells to prepare for the worst.

The ultimate goal for MOST people in life is to meet someone and settle down and build a life together. When we do so we expect that the person we chose will know and love us well enough to do what is best for us in the event we can no longer make those choices for ourselves. We shouldn't need a state or federal legislature nor a local or federal supreme court to give us the same rights that heterosexuals get by simply signing a piece of paper and saying "I do."

Unprecendented!

2009-04-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

Two blogs in two days!!! This is unheard of! I just wanted to invite all of you out there to join a really cool HIV/AIDS group on facebook. The link can be found at http://apps.facebook.com/causes/128107/57580606?m=7638c73a While you are there look me up using my name! James McLarty-Lopes. See you soon.

James

A New Era

2009-04-04T15:35:00.002-05:00

Hello out there in the blogosphere. It's been quite a while since my last posting. I hope that all of you who have followed me through the years have not given up on me. Life gets hectic at times and as such I either forget to blog or...well errr there really is no or, I just forget. There have been a lot of things going on so we can catch up.

I want to start this blog posting off by saying goodbye to a friend of mine...Justin Bush, 24, of Atlanta, GA who passed away at 6:30 last night. He was a mess but will be missed by all who really knew the person he was.

I really can't recall if I have stated this is a previous post or not so I will here. If I have please forgive me. I officially am married now thanks to the great state of California!!! Chad and I were married into wedded bliss (or unbliss HA HA HA) on September 2, 2009 in San Fransisco (I KNOW I KNOW...CLICHE). But I digress. Unhappy with the job market and general attitude of most Southern people we decided to relocate to (I would like to say an ever warmer climate but no) Chicago, IL. We packed up the Budget truck on October 31, 2008 and moved to Chitown. Chad found at least temporary employment and we're happy here, despite the fact that this was their coldest winter in 26 years.

I was able to stop taking the painful fuzeon shots (for HIV) and went back on an earlier regimine. It didn't work for too long but anything was better than those damn shots. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was over the shots. I do have a doctor here in Chicago that I go to see again this Monday for my new cocktail of medications. Joyous occassion.

Followers of my blog since the beginning, or even if you're a new comer and read the old posts WELCOME!, know how much I despised President Bush. As the entire World knows there is a new comer on the political scene. President Barack Obama. Chad and I were able to go to Grant Park, in Chicago, on election night, where he was giving his victory speech. WOW. There wasn't a dry eye in the park. Everybody was hugging everybody. It didn't seem to matter if you were rich or poor, gay or straigh, housed or homeless. There was so much love going around. Thankfully not like the free love of the 60's and 70's that required penicillin after you experienced it. HA HA HA LOL...I made a funny. I look forward to seeing what this Dark Horse Candidate can really do once he gets his feet wet.

Chad and I last night were discussing Justin's passing. While very sad it was only a matter of time. He rarely EVER went to the doctor and certainly did not take proper care of himself. Please don't e-mail me saying that I am cruel because you interpret above statment as he had it coming. That's not at all what I am saying. As much as I have bitched and complained about meds, side effects and the drug company conspiracy in this blog I am very much aware that it is my desire to live coupled with the medications that I have lived as long as I have. I have been tired many times. I have been weak many times. However, through the times in the valley I have always said "I want to live." In comparison, Justin too said he wanted to live, the difference being, he waited far too late to make that decision. He was only 24 and ravaged with HIV and AIDS defining illnesses. Who knows why Justin never really sought treatment? Perhaps the stigma of having HIV stopped him. Perhaps he just didn't want to have to acknowledge the fact he had it. The only person who could have answered that is gone. Speculation will neither ease the pain nor bring him back. Now it's about remembering his smile and moving on with the lesson of I want to live.

Until next time...take care of yourself and each other :)

My Grandma what an un-socialized nation you have!

2008-05-06T02:22:00.000-05:00

I must admit that I am a Michael Moore fan. I know that he makes a lot of Americans angry. If the shoe fits may I suggest wearing it? After all is their a point in being angry about something you can’t change or you don’t find offense to because it directly affects you?

Tonight my housemate and I sat together and watched the movie Sicko (made by Michael Moore). As we sat down to watch it I warned him that usually movies made by Michael Moore make me angry. Not in the violent OMG I just wanna hit something way but in the true blindness of society in regards in injustice one.

In 2001 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, two weeks before my birthday. Living in this great land of America I was able to find a doctor who was willing to treat me. Oh wait, no I didn’t! I was told by doctor after doctor that they wouldn’t treat a male. I was finally referred to the public hospital…The Avon-Grady Comprehensive Breast Clinic. Well I figured that even though it was located at a state hospital it would have excellent treatment since it was primarily private funded. I was right! But the excellent treatment alternatives were not given to men with breast cancer. Why you ask? Simply for the reason that “Avon is a company for women…by women.” They could essentially decide who they were going to treat and not. I was never refused treatment, but I was not given the best treatment possible because of my sex.

In 2003 when I was diagnosed AGAIN with stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma of the left breast there wasn’t any change. I was offered 26 rounds of cytoxin and tamoxifen (both chemo drugs) and a 32% chance of living beyond my 5 year plan. I wasn’t able to complete my chemo therapy.

It’s a total shame that the poor and disabled are not treated as citizens but like a burden on the state in which they live. It’s inconceivable as an American that they only reason some of us including loved ones die it’s because they hold American citizenship! How can we as a society sleep at nights when our next door neighbors have to sell their house and relocate because they filed bankruptcy due to medical expenses? How can we as a society sleep at night when we there are people who are not getting healthy everyday but simply growing accustomed to being sick? What is it going to take for us to wake up and realize that the vast majority of Americans are a car wreck, work injury, or fluke accident away from not only being homeless but in the hands of a doctor that you hope is sympathetic and caring enough to treat you after your insurance company drops you simply because you got the flu one too many times. As an American it is your GIVEN RIGHT to have LIFE, LIBERTY, and THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. Those are the ONLY 3 things listed an inalienable rights! Unless I got something wrong in order to have life you must have health.

Want to guess which American considered 3rd world country has socialized medicine? No, it’s not some far off distant land in fact it’s only 90 miles from the southern most part of United States. You guessed it…Cuba! Even with all of the gang wars and drugs on average Cubans live longer than Americans. Not only them though. Let’s not forget about Canadians, French, and ask much as I hate to admit it the British. At the lower end of life expectancy Canadians will live, again on average, 10 years longer than most Americans.

Since December 2001 I have somehow managed to accumulate over 1.23 MILLION dollars in medical debt that was reported to all 3 major credit bureaus. That covers 2 rounds of cancer, advanced HIV disease and subsequently AIDS. Shouldn’t I have been focused more on recovering from these illnesses (assuming I got the proper medical treatment) than trying to set up a payment plan upon discharge from a hospital? Tony Benn once said “If you can find money to kill people you can find money to help people.” We truly live in a world of me…not in a world of WE. With as many Christians the U.S. has perhaps one of them can explain it to me.

Our government is smart though. They have realized that people in debt are hopeless and hopeless people don’t vote. If they can keep the citizens poor, hopeless, demoralized, pessimistic and frightened they can control them. Why on Earth would they want to do that for? Aren’t our legislators just looking after us? No, because they know that an educated, healthy, and confident nation is harder to govern. Even though the working class is responsible for creating wealth the sad thing is only 1% of the worlds population are the only ones getting to enjoy it. It makes me sick that as Americans we work hard, slave away and some CEO on a boat in a Grease port is the one lapping it up.

As the richest country in the world health should not be given on the basis of cash but on the basis of need. Often times we hear that HIV/AIDS is not a death sentence anymore. However, for the Americans who cannot afford the astronomical expense of monthly antiretrovirals it is. In America someone dies from AIDS related complications every 12 seconds. We survive only if we can receive treatment based on pay not on the basis of need. I find it simply amazing that someone living in communist Cuba doesn’t have to feel that but I a citizen of the Democratic United States of America does. Don’t even think about Social Security because despite their cute slogan, “For the times that count…count on Social Security”, I waited a blistering 38 months to receive a judgment in my favor and an additional month beyond that for my FIRST benefit check. They did not hesitate in telling me that they would be re-evaluating my claim in 3 years because they think my condition could improve and I cured of my illness. Is their a cure for AIDS that I am not aware of?

One more interesting fact from the movie is the following…In 1999 the United States asked Norway for the extradition rights to a U.S. citizen because he fled the country. The Norwegian Supreme Court ruled they would not extradite him because the vast majority of US facilities DID NOT meet the LOWEST humanitarian standards. WOW!

Most of the soapbox points came from the movie Sicko and Labour Party member Tony Benn. The closing thought comes from me though. Healthcare should not be a luxury for the privileged but a given right simply because you and I are living, breathing human being.

The long, long travelled road

2008-03-11T22:38:00.002-05:00

Well readers I come to you at this hour with news that makes me happy beyond compare. As you all know I filed for Social Security in February 2005. I was denied in June of 2005 and again in October 2005. I have been waiting for a hearing since then! I got a letter in the mail from the Social Security Administration dated March 6, 2008 that says the following...

"Our records show you have requested a hearing before an Administrative Law Judge, (ALJ). You did this because you disagreed with our decision on this Social Security disability or Supplemental Security Security Income (SSI) disability claim.

Sometimes we look at claims again before the ALJ holds a hearing. We looked at this claim for Social Security disability benefits or Supplemental Security Income payments again and we are writing to tell you what we found.

An individual must meet certain medical and non-medical rules to qualify for Social Security disability benefits or Supplemental Security Income payments. As a result of our additional review, your disability claim has been ALLOWED because it has been determined that your disability prevents you from engaging in substantial gainful work. the ONSET of your disability is ESTABLISHED as of 02/14/2005. Therefore, IT IS NOT NECESSARY to have your case decided at the hearing level. You will soon get a notice about the amount of your payments.

This determination is based on another review of your claim dated 3/5/08. We are writing to let you know that we have made a decision on your case. After reviewing all of the information carefully, we have decided that you are unable to work. This means that you meet the medical requirements for disability under our rules."

So WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT AFTER 37 LONG LONG LONG MONTHS OF FIGHTING (OR A LITTLE OVER 3 YEARS) I FINALLY HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY INSURANCE!!! I cannot even begin to express how much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. All medical expenses from January 2005 to current day will be paid. All in all not including medical expenses the Social Security Administration owes me 37 months of back pay.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers during this time! The only thing left to say is...WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all,

James

Long awaited update

2008-02-10T08:17:00.000-06:00

Alright so hold on to your britches my friends we have a lot of catching up to do! First all Chad and I survived the holidays. Wicked crazy I know. Chad ended up telling his family that if I was not welcome on Thanksgiving then neither was he. We stayed at home had a nice home cooked meal, finished decorating my grandmothers Christmas Tree for her grave, delivered it, and went back home. We spent Christmas eve at my mother's house, he spent Christmas Day with his family and we ended it all by going to my Dad's house X-Mas night. PHEW...it was a really wicked crazy time. Needless to say that I am glad it's over and dread it happening again in a mere 9 1/2 months.

In December I was interviewed by Don Lemon of CNN for World AIDS Day. Below you will find the link. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2007/11/30/lklv.lemon.living.with.aids.cnn?iref=videosearch

My birthday celebration happened on Sunday the 30th of December. Honestly this was one of the best I can ever remember in my entire lifetime! I was surrounded by my friends, there was no drama, no arguing, or anything of that nature.

New Year's consisted of a wild and crazy party. I loved it!!!

I am going to quit for now. I will update more later.

Hugs and love,

James

Happy Holidays?!?

2007-11-20T04:07:00.001-06:00

Wow...so OMG I totally have a new catergory for a blog other than life. Which I personally think that relationships are a part of life. They do pose a new set of rules and challenges though so I suppose it is worthy enough to have it's own myspace Blog Catergory. So I must admit I don't really know how to handle a situation and I am needing some advice. Please be nice in the advice!

I will not be celebrating this Thanksgiving with my beau. I just found this out a few hours ago. It would really bother me no matter what year it was...however, this will be our first one. I don't get in the middle of any persons family. That certainly isn't my place. However, I don't feel it appropriate that I have to do without my significant other simply becuase they will not stand up to theirs. I did it to mine and made it clear that if my loved one wasn't welcome than I wasn't. It hasn't been a month though since I raised this very issue and recieved reassurance that it wouldn't be a problem. I don't know maybe I am being overly sensitive to this. Maybe I am dreading the memories that will not be had on our first real holiday. Perhaps it will be not standing beside him when it's my turn to give thanks while holding his hand. Or perhaps it will be when I do the annual pilgrimage to the cemetary to place my Grandparent's Tree on their grave I will do it knowing that the now most important person in my life isn't there if I need a shoulder to cry on. Even not being able to be part of their life on the most thankful of days for a period of time is something I am having a VERY VERY difficult time with doing.

Perhaps I am just being overly sentimental. I don't know. All I can say is Happy Holidays. Let's hope history doesn't repeat itself.

Can you see me?

2007-07-07T02:41:00.000-05:00

Well here I am. I made it out of the hosptial and am about as fully recovered as I am going to get. While I lost eye sight in the left eye I haven't lost sight of life. Try saying that three times fast! It was confirmed as many of you read from Joshua that I had an infection, specifically HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus 1), hijack my lymph system and travelled to my brain where it cut off the oxygen to the optic nerve in my left eye. As most of you know and remember I also have Cytomeglavirus (CMV) in the left eye as well. The CMV would "flair up" causing me to have bouts of blindness in my left eye. The difference is I knew when the blindness was coming on and that it would only be temporary. That however is no longer the case, as I have lost the vision permanently. So while yes it does suck, I am really attempting to look at the glass as being half full in this regard.

While in the hospital a very dear friend of mine offered me the opportunity to travel across the country with him to see the great United States. I always wanted to do so. While I have travelled quite extensively I have never done so by land. I have always flown. There are so many things I want to see. This trip will give me the opportunity to do so. My fear is that if I put this off then I will never get a chance to see things like Yellowstone Park, Mt. Rushmore, The Grand Canyon...All of a sudden a bright, beautiful world is only an infection away from being black and void. I will not allow that to happen. I pray that it never happens but if I do lose sight in my right eye I will have my memories of seeing the sunrise in Arizona, the Colorado River flowing through the Grand Canyon. That my friends, my memories (not only of my road trip...but of you), will be the things that keep me going in this world. So in case you haven't deduced from the paragraph I took him up on his offer and am leaving in about a week. I will be gone for 2 months. Check back here for picture updates. While on the trip I also will be keeping a written journal and once I get back I am going to publish it (or atleast the edited version:) )

For the time being I have decided to not start my AIDS meds again. My above road trip has nothing to do with it. I simply know that I am not in a place right now to where I would be compliant with the regimine. If I am not going to comply with taking the meds I simply am not going to take them. Doctors agree...wait until you're ready. So that is what I am going to do. I will take antibiotics for a few more weeks and that will be the end of regular medicine.

AIDS is a very dark place. Even I, with my strong support system, get very scared and very lonely when I am in a hospital bed. After my spinal tap on Monday when I woke up I couldn't move...I could barely talk...and all I could do was see (out of my right eye) the few people who were standing beside my bed. Everyone brace yourself for what I am about to say. I was TERRIFIED! I broke down and cried. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even reach for anyone's hand. For the first time since my AIDS diagnosis I was truly afraid that I was going to die. I openly admitted while sobbing hysterically that I didn't want to die. Not that I was or am afraid of death. I simply enjoy my life. Obviously I don't enjoy being ill but that is only a small portion of the time in the grand scheme of things. This visit to the hospital has shown me just how frail life is. To be totally honest...it has shown me that I am not the picture of health that I more times than not project to you all. This illness has shown me just how quickly life can end. Illness of the past has simply shown me how quickly I can catch pneumonia. AIDS is no longer simply a diagnosis for me but it is a living, breathing reality. One that I cannot pretend doesn't exist because it doesn't fit in with my life. AIDS is not who I am...it's what is me.

If you've made it this far congrats! In all seriousness I want to take a few lines to thank all of you! Treatment/recovery is 99% attitude! Without all of the positive people in my life I can't say that I would have the attitude that I do. All of your thoughts and prayers (for those of you pray ;) ) certainly helped me. As crazy as it may sound when I was able to sit up in the bed to eat and entertain my guests I knew that I was able to do so because of all the happy thoughts that were coming from you. The reason I know that is because when you all were sleeping, and I should have been, I was screaming for the morphine :) I do love every single one of you and can never express enough thanks for the calls, e-mails, visits, flowers, and gifts. You were (and continue to be) appreciated in a very difficult time. If there is ANYTHING I can ever do for any of you, you know my number and I expect you to use it.

With much love and gratitude,

James

A becon of light has been extinguished.

2007-04-24T03:04:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last update. Nothing new to report about labs or such. A friend of mine of 6 years passed away on Thursday April 19. At this point I still haven't gotten over the others so right now I am feeling rather numb.

So yesterday the long journey physically came to an end. We laid Danny to rest. I have cried numerous times but have yet to experience the enevitable breakdown that is going to occur. On Sunday we went to the visitation and on the way I stopped and purchased a miniture disco ball and placed it in with him to be buried. Please let me explain the signifigance of the disco ball.

Many eons ago when Backstreet was the happening place to go Danny and I were out dancing. While I was getting some looks and grabs Danny had guys all over him. When we left the dance floor to take a brief break I asked him..."How in the hell do you do it? They're drawn to you! I don't understand." While not jealous I was curious about his mojo. He simply replied "You gotta let go. You're not dancing with the light. Dance with the light of the disco ball." I heeded his advice, it was a growing process I will admit though. Many other memories I will continue to live out as situations arise. I want to say the following to my friend: Dance among the stars my friend. For they are now your disco ball. NEVER stop dancing!

I pened the following...

The questions swirl in my mind.
How? What if? and even why?
A life that shined so bright;
is now extinguished and
still no answers in sight.

Your smile made a room so bright
and now there is darkness
where there once was light.
How you worked your charm
is beyond me; but then again
as you said...most things go
right over me.

As I stare at your lifeless body,
I expect your laughter to erupt
but you lay quiet in this eternal state.
Your body is so cold I want to warm you so.
Warm you with hugs and shower
you with kisses to make it all
just simply better, but then again
that was just you.

The love that you gave knew no
bounderies; much like your selfless
acts that always were bound to surface.
Even in death you gave of yourself
because you knew just what we would do!

Your life now exists now only in words
and memories that you helped burn.
Burn so deep within my mind
your smile, smell, and always wise words.

Your love exists now only within me.

One Last Refrain...

2007-02-07T23:47:00.000-06:00

Viral load: 50,000
Cd4: 227

One Glory
From: Rent
{denotes change by blogger}

I'm writing one great song before I...One song Glory One song Before I go Glory One song to leave behind Find one song One last refrain GloryFrom the pretty boy front man Who wasted opportunity One song He had the world at his feet Glory In the eyes of a young {guy} A young {guy} Find glory Beyond the cheap colored lightsOne song Before the sun sets Glory - on another empty life Time flies - time dies Glory - One blaze of glory One blaze of glory - glory Find Glory In a song that rings true Truth like a blazing fire An eternal flame FindOne song A song about love GloryFrom the soul of a young man A young man FindThe one song Before the virus takes hold GloryLike a sunset One song To redeem this empty life Time flies And then - no need to endure anymore Time dies.

Bearer of bad news...

2006-10-06T06:14:00.000-05:00

So last night I had to go to Hoedowns and tell my friends who were also Lee's friends of his passing. I only got to the second person and wouldn't you know it...who showed up? Therapist James. I was having to console everyone all the while I was still searching for that one person, that one mutual friend with whom the consoling would be shared. And finally I found her. I told Genevieve hugged her and she started crying. During our hug she put her arms around me and for the first time since I knew he passed I was able to just cry. We cried and finally were able to get back to the dance floor and tell stories that made us laugh.

My best friend Wayne is struggling right now. With every AIDS related complication death that we go through it brings up our very since of mortality. Wayne told me that he has been having some disturbing dreams but didn't want to go into a lot of detail. Please keep him in your happy thoughts right now.

The wake is tonight from 6-9 and the funeral is tomorrow morning. Hoedowns is actually throwing a private get together on Monday from 6-9 to honor Lee and tell stories. We know he would want us to have some beers and dance our asses off. So that is what we just may do!

Lee has finally ascended to the "triple wide trailor park" where he is dancing amongst the stars.

AIDS Strikes Again

2006-10-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

So it has been a little over a month since Matthew passed away unexpectedly from AIDS Related Complications. Just when I start to cope and deal with his death I get word tonight that yet another one of my friends (Lee Medley, a DJ whom I have known for MANY MANY years) has passed away because of AIDS Complications. I cannot say anymore than I have already said. People wonder why I am not necessarily the easiest person in the world to get close to...go back and read the last few posts. I am tired of losing my friends.

Happy Booby Cancer Awareness Month

2006-10-03T05:27:00.000-05:00

Hey all!

I know it's been a while since my last update. Things have just been really hectic in my life. I am still trying to get things in regards to my feelings about Matt's death ironed out and move on. I am just not ready to right now. So moving on...

As most of you know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Your's truely is a TWO TIME SURVIVOR. I was diagnosed in 2001 and again in 2003. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma of the left breast. I share this story with you because Breast Cancer much like HIV doesn't care who you are. I go for a mammogram (IT HURTS LIKE HELL CONSIDERING I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF BREAST TISSUE TO SQUEEZE THE HELL OUT OF!!!!!!!!!!) every 6 months and do my Self Breast Exam once a month. So to celebrate this month of awareness soap up your boobys and feel for lumps! Early detection saves lives...it saved mine :)

Hugs and love,

James

Tired and Alone

2006-09-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

Alright well I am sure you are waiting for the updates I promised you on Monday. Here they are. My viral load fell from 44,000 to 6,000 (ish) that is awesome news! On the other hand my CD4 count also fell and is holding in the low 500’s. Hopefully we will see them continue to improve over the next few months. I have to go on blood pressure medication as well. My BP was 158/90.

In Orthopedic news they are treating me for a shin splint. No leukemia. My doc does have me out of work for the month to make sure I have the full potential for recovery. Thanks to everyone who sent out happy thoughts.

Psychologically I am exhausted. I had a breakdown this morning. I am going to give you, my readers, a rare glimpse into something that I rarely show anyone (family and close friends included). I am going to give you my unedited feelings. I have a VERY VERY VERY small core group of friends. They are the one’s that kick my ass when it needs to be kicked, come and visit me when I am sick and call me to make sure that I am doing alright on a regular basis. In addition to that my Mom and I are very close as well. So for the life of me I cannot figure out why I feel alone. At this point I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere. A part of that has to do with my medical conditions I think. I am in my early (almost mid) 30’s and I have AIDS, high blood pressure, arthritis, chronic bronchitis, a shin splint, two time cancer survivor and I have almost no sex drive. I think it bothers me tremendously that I absolutely cannot relate to 99% of the people my age. I am truly scared. I hide that from everyone. Not because I am afraid of being weak but because I have always perceived as being the strong one. I have always been the caretaker and have always been the one saying that everything will be alright. I am to the point to where I almost don’t believe that anymore. At this point the only comfort I have is in the fact that I know while scared I don’t let that emotion control my life. Without regards to fear I feel that I do still continue on with my life as best as I can.

For the next two weeks my pill burden has shot up to 24 per day. After the two weeks is over it will go down to 23. I am tired of fighting. It seems all I have done for the last year and a half is continually fight this virus and between it and me, eventually it is going to win. It has come to the point to where I have to practically overdose on uppers some days to even get out of bed. Somewhere there is going to have to be a braking point because while a fighter I can only fight and do so much before I give out. I have very seriously considered just quitting taking my anti-AIDS meds and letting things take its natural course. If that meant I had 2 weeks or 20 years then so be it. I decided against that because while I am tired of fighting I love the very essences of life.

I wish you all could have known me prior to getting sick. I was a total riot. I ALWAYS had a bountiful supply of energy (natural not the kind you take), and I loved playing sports and walking in the park. Now only a small glimmer of who I was remains. On rare occasions when I look into the mirror I catch a glimpse of him. While not all, I have lost a lot of who I was. I would do anything to have my life and my body back. I am tired or being tired, tired of being sick, tired of being scared and certainly I am tired of feeling alone for no apparent reason.

Bone Update

2006-08-25T14:48:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to update everyone on the current medical drama. I went today and had my bone scan done. The Nuclear Medicine doctor simply said "I am not pleased." When asked why he simply replied that my doctor would have his findings on his desk next week. So I am going to be sneaky and go to radiology records on Monday before I go see my infectious disease doctor and get the report so I know what in the hell it says.

I do want to make known that leukemia is just one of the possibilites that it could be. While I exhibit a lot of the symptoms such as englared spleen and liver, fatigue, weight loss...it is not a given. For example one of the most striking sign of leukemia is an abnormally high white blood cell count. Well I don't have that but I do have a high red blood cell count. There are plenty of other things it could be and only time will indeed tell.

A lot of people are wondering what leukemia is so I will give you a crash course in basic Leukemia 101.

Leukemia is a cancer that begins in blood cells. The abnormality occurs in the bone marrow (the soft material in the center of bones). Leukemia causes the bone marrow to produce abnormal white blood cells (typically). In time the abnormal cells "choke" out normal white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. There are several different kinds of leukemia but they all deal with bone marrow and in someway affect the lymphnatic system.

That is today's biology lesson. I will fill you in on Monday.

New News

2006-08-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite quotes from the movie Sordid Lives is "I think I am going to explode at any minute if any more shit hits the fan today!" Although not on the verge of exploding I am on the verge of perhaps having to undergo some serious chemotherapy again. Let me explain...

Back in March I started experiencing pain in my tibia aka "shin". I had some x-rays taken and they all came back fine so the final diagnosis at the time was simply a shin splint. I went to my orthopedic doctor today who did some further x-rays and he noticed a slight difference in the x-ray taken in May and the one taken today. In my "bone matrix" (the bone itself) there are supposed to be two colors bright white which is the bone and then a little darker color in the middle of the bone which is where bone marrow is found. In my x-ray I had 3 colors. Right in the middle of my shin in the location where the bone marrow is located is a dark spot. This is often how leukemia is first detected. So this week I will go for a battery of tests to determine if this spot in my bone marrow is in fact cancer.

I know a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks so I thank all of my friends and family for being patient with me while I recollect my thoughts and start moving on again. I do ask that everyone who reads this blog to keep me in their thoughts and prayers until next week when I get the final results from Dr. Raines. Before then I go see my infectious disease doctor on Monday so I will post the results from her then.

Stuck...

2006-08-16T13:30:00.000-05:00

It seems as if I have done nothing but sit in the bedroom and just listen to Without You over and over and over again. I am stuck.

I met with Matt's mom and roommate this morning and after the meeting I took some clothes over to the funeral home for him. Not sure if there is going to be a "service" or just a visitation and then his family and close friends take his ashes and spread them. Matt was very fortunate that his family loved, and supported him even through the HIV and AIDS. Tonight I celebrate his life.

I'm Furious

2006-08-15T20:55:00.000-05:00

I am furious that this pandemic has been allowed to go on as long as it has. I am furious that I have buried my friends so that drug companies can continue to makes millions of dollars off of AIDS patients. I am furious that we are spending money to send soldiers to invade soverign nations while we actually have a problem here at home called AIDS. I am furious that people are under the assumption that just because you take medicine that will automatically extend your life 20+ years. I am furious that AIDS has to be a part of our daily life. I am furious that we live in a world where AIDS is not the fore front of the media because it can be "controlled." Well guess what if people are still dying of AIDS everyday, every 12 seconds, then IT IS NOT BEING CONTROLLED.

I am furious of the complacancy that soceity has taken in regards to AIDS. I am furious of hearing people constantly bitch about AIDS but yet doing nothing but making noise and not doing anything to help the problem. I am furious because society DOESN'T FUCKING CARE THAT PEOPLE INCLUDING MY FRIENDS ARE STILL DYING OF AIDS AND THIS IS 2006! I am furious that we can waste money to send people into space but cannot use the extra money to find a cure or at bear minimum a vaccine.

Fuck society. I still care. And for all of you in the world who care and don't do anything...stop bitching and complaning and actually do something

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Ghandi

Without You

2006-08-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

This Blog Posting is dedicated to my friend Matt who passed today from AIDS Related Complications. Matt was 28, diagnosed in 1999. He was 5'10, 145 pounds, brown hair with brown eyes.

Matt may you rest in peace in...
a place where AIDS was just a dream.
a place where the only cocktail is the one you're sipping on the beach.
a place where you don't worry about getting sick anymore.
a place where you don't have to worry in fear about disclosure.

I will miss your e-mails, I will miss your calls, but most of all I already miss the fabulousness that is you!

A song from my favorite musical RENT.

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.

Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives, Colors renew, But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walks, the lungs breath.The mind churns!
The mind churns! The heart yearns! The heart yearns! The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.'Cause I die, without you. Without you. Without you. Without you

Hepatology Update

2006-08-09T13:17:00.000-05:00

So Dr. Frieda Millhouse-Jones yesterday came to the same conclusion that many other specalists in my medical team have. I am an enigma. Her words...not mine. So she did some scans of my liver and drew a new set of labs. All the labs came back normal, with the exception of my liver. She sent the film to a radiologist for "further review". I go tomorrow for an ultrasound and then I go to see Dr. Millhouse-Jones at 2:30 for the final verdict on my testing.

Right now I am just suffering from MAJOR fatigue. I slept most of the day yesterday with the exception of getting up for dinner. After that I got home and slept some more and was called into work. I dealt with a few patients and literally just fell asleep on a hosptial bed and woke up this morning, having missed two pages. However, they knew of my condition so I was excused.

There is at this point in time no logical explanation for my extreme fatigue. To try and put in words how tired I am I offer this: I am to tired to even go to HOEDOWNS! Those who know me best know that if I am too tired to even go to Hoedowns than something is going on. Maybe tomorrow we will have more answers.

I do want to offer my extreme thanks and gratitude to everyone who has sent me e-mails and instant messages with good thoughts and prayers for well being. It really means a lot and as strange as it sounds I can certainly feel the good vibes that are being sent my way from my readers and friends across the country. Thanks guys. You all have a special place in my heart.

Continuing Saga of AIDS Boy

2006-08-07T11:22:00.000-05:00

Well yet another ARC (AIDS Related Complication) to add to the list is liver malfunction. So I went to my new PCP last week because I was coughing up my lung (big surpirse I know) and come to find out thankfully it was just bronchitis (yet another shocker) and not pneumonia. Since I was a new patient she went ahead and drew baseline labs for me. Nothing remarkable really except the fact that my liver is dying.

Liver functions are measured by enzymes called AST and ALT.
AST stands for Aspartate aminotransferase
ALT is Alanine Aminotransferase

Low levels of AST and ALT are normally found in the blood. When body tissue or an organ such as the heart or liver is diseased or damaged, additional AST/ALT is released into the bloodstream. The amount of AST/ALT in the blood is directly related to the extent of the tissue or organ damage.

Normal levels for AST is 0-40. MINE IS AT 415
Normal levels for ALT is 0-55. MINE IS AT 262.

So if the amount of AST/ALT in the blood is directly related to the amount of liver damage I have then I am completely screwed. Is it possible to go ahead and get on the transplant list?

It is just another system that is failing and I am ABSOLUTELY POWERLESS against it. First it was my lungs now it's my liver.

I'm tired.

Angry patients press 1, pissed patients press 2, livid patients just hang up.

2006-07-25T15:08:00.000-05:00

GURRRRRLLLLLLLL! Today my frustration factor is through the freaking roof. It just so happens that today doctor offices win the Most Ignunt and Annoying People of the Day Award. Here is the story.

When I got my health insurance in June I had to select a primary care physician. I cannot tell you how sad I was when I found out that the doctor (Workowski) who has treated me now for over a year and half could not be my PCP. That’s alright I said to myself I will just find another doctor who practices at Crawford Long Hospital and that certainly will make things easier. Well I found a doctor who practices medicine on the exact same floor as my Infectious Disease doctor, just on the opposite side of the hall named Dr. Jones. HOW FLIPPIN’ SWEET IS THAT, I said to myself. Well I called and was on hold for 5 minutes before I got kicked to the answering service. They told me that I should try my call again because of heavy call volume. I was a little dismayed because at the ID clinic that has NEVER EVER happened to me (after all I am AIDS boy). So I tried again later that afternoon. Same thing happened. By the third day I was REALLY starting to get annoyed so I actually drove up to Crawford Long and went up to the floor and made the appointment in PERSON. What irritates me is that this is a PRIVATE FACILITY. So anyway I made my appointment and went on my merry way. July 10th came which was the day of my appointment, I met my new PCP and he seemed nice enough (until he stuck a tube with a light on it up my ass without enough lube and hurt me. I still cannot pass gas without discomfort.) had blood work and was sent home with a stool collection kit. . Also I put in a referral to see Dr. Workowski and an orthopedic surgeon for this shin splint that I have. Well while I was on the phone with Blue Cross this morning I asked about referrals on file for me and they didn’t have a single one. I asked if it normally took this long and she said absolutely not there is no single reason why they should not have the referrals in the system.

Jarred’s primary care doctor sucks. A few months ago Jarred came out to his doctor, told him he was gay and that his lover had AIDS. Well Jarred went into the office for a small issue he was having and his doctor asked him about his “wife” and if they were monogamous. EXCUSE ME! I know you see patients everyday but completely forgetting that your patient is gay and that his boyfriend has a terminal illness is UNEXCUSABLE! Considering my doctor (who has never met Jarred knows his name, and my mothers name on top of that) is unbelievable. So when Jarred left his doctor said…”it is probably this but not entirely sure, I do know that it isn’t this…”blah blah blah. So he gives Jarred antibiotics without even doing a test! But being the good patient he is he did as the doctor instructed.

Well since moving here to Atlanta we decided that it would make sense for us to get a PCP that we can actually see together. So I called Dr. Jones’ office this morning to make an appointment. I started calling at 8:00 AM and finally got an answer at 1:00 this afternoon. HELL NO I told myself so I started looking for a new PCP for the both of us immediately. Not to mention that my test results were almost a week late getting to me from his office. So I have decided on Dr. Frieda L Millhouse-Jones. We will see how she works out. I would hate to have to go through this shit again.

Part of the frustration in this factor is that when I had health insurance on my own (pre-sickness) I always had a PPO. While more expensive they are far easier to navigate. I hate having to go to my PCP to get a referral to my Infectious Disease doctor (who has been seeing me for 20 months). I know that I have AIDS I don’t need my PCP to tell me I need to see a specialist. The medical field is set up to make sure that in the realm of HMO and POS plans that doctors get to make a new down payment on their BMWs. However, it is insurance none the less and I am highly grateful.

So I am sure you are wondering how my drawn labs (that just officially arrived today). Here they are:

Glucose, Kidney function, liver, urinalysis, and blood counts were all SATISFACTORY.

My triglycerides is at 204 (less than 250 is desirable)
Total cholesterol is 128 (less than 200 is desirable)
HDL cholesterol is 46 (greater than 40 is desirable)
LDL cholesterol is 71 (less than 100 is desirable)

My stool tested negative for any infectious material. No salmonella/shigella present. No campylobacter species detected. Last but certainly not least no E coli EIA present. The only trace bacteria in my poo is what is present in every bodies.

So that is it for the day. I finally got the release of medical information faxed to the new office. SWEET JESUS AM I TIRED!

I'm Not Available Right Now...Leave A Message On My Car

2006-07-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

Apparently my car has become a message service. As I was getting ready to do some errands I go to my car and there on my windshield was a card. Remembering that when my wallet was stolen someone put my license on the windshield as well (review blog posting, I’ve Died…This is Hell). Anyway I got the card and it was from a neighbor across the street. Two weeks ago Jarred and I were walking down our street and he noticed someone was passed out and neighbors standing around her. Well we went over there to ensure that she was alright and she banged herself up pretty badly. No one present (with the exception of yours truly) was certified in First Aid. So until the ambulance got to us I constantly did pulse checks, made her lay down and was able to help in a limited capacity. So a few days ago I was pulling into the driveway and I saw her walking her dog with a friend, I stopped and talked to her for a few minutes and she fainted from a sudden drop in blood pressure.

I am not going to indulge all the details of the card but I wanted to make this posting so that I can make this point. Sometimes taking time out of your busy day and just stopping to help just one person can make that persons day. Granted that 9 out of 10 times you will not have to administer first aid you never know when a small gesture of good faith is going to make some persons day. As a result of helping I didn’t get my name in the newspaper or recognition from the mayor I feel as if I got something better. The person I helped took time out of HER life to go and purchase a card and sit down and tell me how living in an urban setting she never knew that anyone other than her immediate neighbors could ever care about her in the capacity that a perfect stranger did. It’s a wonderful cycle of slightly renewing someone’s faith in humanity even if by a slight measure. It gives me a warm feeling to know that a few people are better because of an act of kindness. Pass it on.

Ellis Island...We Hardly Knew Ye!

2006-07-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

Alright well I am going to take this blog posting in a whole new direction. Typically the only time I get political on my blog is when it deals specifically with HIV/AIDS issues in politics. However, I am going to take a new direction today by actually addressing immigration laws. Before I get started I want to make one thing clear…I am NOT against immigration. America was founded by immigrants. My family over the course of time immigrated here. So I am all for it. What I am not for however, is having to change my way of life because of immigration. When my family came here years ago I can assure you that no one catered to them. They had to learn American English (and yes there is a difference), they had to learn the laws of the land, and most importantly they had to be documented. Ellis Island was a wonderful thing. Maybe we need to establish more of them to deal with the immigration problem. When I was in high school I REFUSED to take Spanish for two reasons. The first being is that French looked far better on my college resume. The second reason was I wanted to maintain a certain level of ignorance in the respect of language. I did not want to be able to communicate with people who were too damn lazy to learn the English language. The horse shit that English classes aren’t made widely available is just a crock! Here in Atlanta we have over 50 places where people can come to learn English. Having done research I called a few just to see if they had any available spots and 100% of the facilities I talked to still had “ample room for attendees.”

Another reason I am for harsher laws is for safety reasons. When I was highly dependent on our transit system here (MARTA, Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority) sometimes I would have to walk home through the “Mexican Ghetto”. There was no way around it. In this particular area near the Lindbergh MARTA Station it is not unusual for police to be called out there several times a night due to gunfire or gang activity. I am a white boy and while I can defend myself I can tell you one thing…I am no match for a gun. I would soil myself. Another thing that pisses me off is my inability to go to Home Depot in peace. I go to Home Depot and they see me pulling in and a slew of them raise their hands and start coming for my car. I of course do not stop. On my way out, unfortunately I have to stop and again they come towards my car. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER PULL INTO A HOME DEPOT IN ATLANTA OR A GAS STATION IN NORTH ATLANTA WITH A U-HAUL!!! Do I feel threatened? Absolutely! Should I feel threatened? Absolutely! And I dare anyone to challenge me to the way I SHOULD feel.

Speaking of “day laborers” I have a serious problem paying for them to stand on the corner raising their hands for work. Immigrants to America back in the day could get jobs because they knew the language and they were able to be productive members of society. By today’s standards the immigrants of today are a major step back in the evolution of immigration.

I don’t expect everyone to share my views on immigration. What I do expect however, is to respect my opinion as my own and to accept it for what it is…MY opinion.

Here is to America and the immigrants who made her what is she today!!! \_/

I've Died...This is Hell

2006-07-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

As you can tell from the title this past weekend was hellacious!  Saturday Jarred and I went out to eat at Sonny’s BBQ for lunch.  While we were there I removed my keys, wallet (it’s really fat) and cell phone from my pocket and put it safely on the bench beside me.  Well we got up I gathered my belongings and we left.  About an hour or so later I realized that my wallet was not in my back pocket!  I called the restaurant and no one turned it in.  (  So I called Atlanta Police Department they came out to the restaurant (it was about 9:00 now) and filed a report.  I was bummed because I was afraid that I was not going to be able to get into my favorite hangout because it’s 21 and up.  Well I called the manager and he told me just bring in the piece of paper with the case number and that would be sufficient if anyone asked.  Ecstatic I got dressed went out to the car to go and looked on the windshield and there was my drivers license.  I boldly assume they knew it was my car because our parking spots are labeled with our unit numbers.  So the two scenarios are this:  (1) Either a stranger found my license and returned it to me or (2) The person who found my wallet is going to stalk me.  If I turn up dead the thief is who the police need to go after!  Today the process of getting everything lost back has begun.  I wish patience were one of my virtues.

Saturday night was filled with its own problems.  I somehow (DON’T ASK HOW) managed to misplace my phone charger so I was running on low batteries.  A social worker called me and was wondering if I could do an onsite evaluation at a local hospital (even though I was not who she needed to talk to) I told her if she needed me to call me back.  Well wouldn’t you know it…my phone battery died.  Well she tried throughout the night to contact me and of course couldn’t reach me.  Of course neither could my boss.  So I checked my messages yesterday afternoon and I had a call from my superior stating that I was being placed on suspension for one week because I did not respond to a call from a social worker.  That’s alright…I didn’t need to eat anyway.

Sunday night I figured would be low key.  I would go to Burkhart’s and watch the camp drag show and just enjoy myself.  Well I went to leave and the people who manage the parking lot BOOTED MY CAR!  Here I was just an innocent bystander trying to enjoy my Sunday night and they booted me.  They said that they received complaints from several businesses in the strip mall about a PT Cruiser just hanging out in the parking lot all day.  So instead of getting home at 12:15 like I planned I had to wait until they removed the boot from my car at 2:30.

Today I had my first appointment with my new Primary Care Physician.  He told me I was fat.  Not cushy, not pleasantly plump but fat!  As if I didn’t have self esteem issues anyway.  This boy is dedicating himself to tummy crunches and I plan on walking until I die of heat stroke.  Other than that he wants me to shit in a cup to check for parasites and pathogens in my poo.  Maybe I could get Steve Irwin in here to do that…if he does it with gators maybe I can pay him to do it for me.

On a side note the results are in from my geno/phenotypes.  There was no resistance to any of the meds that I am on.  So I have been instructed to resume my old meds again until I go back to my doctor next month on the 28th.  I will have labs drawn a week before then and we will see if my viral load is still rising.  HIV is perplexing and confusing.  We will see how things pan out.

Until next time if you can’t be good…be good at it.

Just as a side note

2006-07-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

I realized today that the vast majority of the people that comment on my blog are anonymous. Having come to said realization I know that would obviously create hesitation in possibly purchasing an HIV/AIDS awareness ribbon. Understanding that you have never met me I can appreciate the difficulty of this situation. I do want you to know that as a licensed professional in the psychiatric community I do uphold your fundamental right to privacy and assure you that discretion will be used. Meaning that after the order is placed and shipped your information will be destroyed. Seeing as how this is a grassroots campaign credit cards are of course not accepted and all checks are to be made out to the Atlanta Interfaith AIDS Network. If there are questions regarding the validity of this organization please do NOT hesitate to ask questions and I do have access to proof that the organization is a 501(c) non profit. Thanks again!

Ribbons for all and general Update

2006-07-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

This blog posting is going to cover a general update on things and some random ideas that I am currently thinking about.  So if it seems a little difficult to follow it may just be.

     I have been getting a few e-mails asking how Pride was.  Pride was…pride was…pride was testing this year.  I have to say that despite our main stage falling on Friday night (only ONE minor injury) and festivities being cancelled on Sunday due to rain that the volunteers and Board of Directors did a hell of a job.  Having never really had a crisis like the stage falling and tents blowing over during a horrible wind storm we managed to evacuate the park and ensure no one seriously got hurt.  Having a disaster plan is one thing.  Actually being able to execute the plan in a timely manner while maintaining sanity and keeping the integrity of Pride alive is a totally different story (see the Bush Administration Disaster Plan).  I am very proud of all of my cohorts!  We did have several arrests this weekend.  I am proud to say that it was protestors who violated the law.  Not one of my brothers or sisters was carried away in a paddy wagon.  Take that scum sucking right wing wackos.

     I still have not got my lab results back yet.  I am getting totally antsy!  My fear is that they have got them back and they just don’t quite know how to tell me that the backbone of my cocktail is no longer an option or the better case would be they just don’t have the results back yet.  Either way a notification would be nice.  I am starting to notice an increase in fatigue and poor eating habits.  However, assuming that the virus is replicating at 1000% increase per two weeks with a 10% decrease in CD4 counts bi-weekly as well then that puts my viral load around 100,000 and my CD4 is around 350-400.  Of course I have been stressed lately so it may be a little more severe.  Only time will tell.

     Below is an e-mail that I received from a friend.  It comes from a series entitled:  “Heroic Stories”.  The story came from someone named Talie in Oregon.

       "The radio recently discussed AIDS, and I remembered somethingthat happened 12 years ago. I began chatting with the man sitting nextto me at the bus stop. He looked a little tired and drawn, but otherwiseclean and friendly looking. He ended up telling me that he had AIDS;this was before all the life-saving medications now available to fightit. I was taking an AIDS and STDS course in college, so I asked what hiscount was. When he said "Four," I expressed how sorry I was (above 200is HIV positive, below 200 is full-blown AIDS). This man was so gratefulto hear someone be honest about it, he thanked me profusely. He was(fortunately) surrounded by a supportive network of friends and familywho wouldn't give up, and always tried to look at the positive side.That's fabulous, but he was tired of hearing it, and refreshed by myhonesty. When we parted, I took his hand in both of mine, told him noteveryone is afraid or uneducated, and to keep fighting the good fight. Ihave no idea what happened to him: it was only a brief encounter. I justremember the look on his face, and the thanks. I'm not hero, by the way,but it was educational for us both, I think."

It is when I read these kinds of stories that my faith in humankind is restored.  Sometimes I wonder if people will be afraid to touch me in my final days.  I cannot worry about that, but it is a legitimate concern.  I do want to take this time in my blog posting to thank all the heroes out there that combat ignorance and do actually take the time to educate people.  It is these people who make our lives as people living with AIDS much easier.  On another note I want to take this time to point out something to everyone who reads this blog.  The original ribbon that people wore was a red ribbon to signify AIDS (at the time HIV wasn’t detectable) awareness.  Now you see yellow ribbons to support troops, pink ribbons to support breast cancer and on goes the list.  But why don’t you see the FIRST AND ORIGINAL RIBBON DISPLAYED ON PEOPLES CARS?  The answer to that is they are almost impossible to find for purchase.  Well not anymore friends.  Pretty soon they will be on the cars of people in metro Atlanta.  I have one on my car.  However, you will not find them at a Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Walgreens, or anywhere else.  Why you ask?  That is because they are all hand made by my mother.  That’s right my mother makes HIV/AIDS awareness ribbons on her porch!  Currently the ribbons are $5.00.  $3.98 goes directly to the Atlanta Interfaith AIDS Network Common Ground Day Program to benefit less than fortunate persons living with HIV/AIDS.  This is a very special group to me and if you are interested in purchasing a magnet for your car or refrigerator send me an e-mail at jamesmclarty@comcast.net or phone me at 404-717-7357 and I can send you pictures of the ribbons as well as my mother as she slaves away.

     Right now a friend of mine is currently battling with ARC’s (AIDS related complications).  I spoke with a mutual friend today and he isn’t doing so well.  They are not sure if he is in the home stretch or not.  I will have more info tomorrow.  I will keep you updated as necessary.

I am in a little bit better place right now despite my friend.  I am just struggling with physical and mental exhaustion.  All of that just doesn’t make for a happy camper.  Things however, will improve as they usually do.  In closing I would like to quote a very wise man Jerry Springer…”Until next time take care of yourself, and each other.”

Latitude and Longitude Unknown

2006-07-03T13:13:00.000-05:00

Puddin' (my nickname given to me by my inner circle) is not in a good place right now. I am concerned because I still haven't heard about my latest labs regarding resistance and there are a couple of other areas that are fuzzy right now. I hate the utter feeling of being lost and not knowing the general direction that I am travelling in. While it is not natural to know everything about the situation you are in it honestly is not something that I am accustomed to. Although it seems that most of my friends are having the summer blues of some sorts. Maybe we are just on a wierd planetary cycle right now where the heavens are just testing us. I am grateful that I have friends that I can share my problems with and hope they feel the same way.

A Mother's View

2006-06-26T13:55:00.000-05:00

Growing up my family and I were a very close knit. We had our ups and downs as most families do, but we still loved each other in spite of our differences ( My mother and I have a very unique relationship. We certainly didn’t see eye to eye when I told her I was gay. She was pretty angry actually. Then when I got sick she prayed with everything in her heart that it wasn’t HIV/AIDS…of course it was. She struggled a lot internally and searched for answers to questions that most parents didn’t have the guts to ask. Below is an article that my mother wrote entitled “HIV/AIDS a Mother’s View”. I am making this blog posting to honor my mother for growing and not standing still.

In January 2004 my son was in the hospital for the 3rd time in 6 months. No one had any answers but, when the diagnosis finally came it was not the one I wanted to hear. My 21 yr. old son has HIV. In my mind I knew that is what the problem was but, my heart couldn't accept it. Anger, hurt, emptiness, helplessness, and loss were at the top of my list of emotions I experienced those first few months.
Several months ago when James wrote an article for a major newspaper (No One Picture Of HIV/AIDS). I was furious and afraid. I felt like he put himself in danger by trying to reach out to help others. So much good came out of that article that it was hard to stay mad with him. He now talks to young people about the prevention of HIV/AIDS and councils those that have been diagnosed. It took a lot of courage to write that letter and it was my inspiration to step forward as a parent that had been affected by HIV.
We are a close family that never takes today for granted. I am involved in James' treatments and I help in different ways to help make others aware. I have just finished a panel for the AIDS quilt. It is my hope that I do not see the squares filled with names. I also make magnets for cars to help make people aware. The money goes to Common Ground (a house that reaches out to all that are infected or affected by HIV/AIDS). I would love to see a house like that in every county.
As a society we need to come out of our caves and realize it is not, nor has it ever been a "gay" disease. It does not just affect people of a certain sex, social class, sexual preference, race, or nationality. It is not just "those people" across town. It is our families, friends and neighbors that or either infected or affected by this horrible disease.
Living with HIV/AIDS is like a roller coaster. It has some serious ups and downs and it takes a lot of courage to keep going. There are good days and sick days but, you have to have to keep going and believe that it will be better tomorrow.
I draw courage and inspiration from my son and those at Common Ground, because of their love of life and their fight to keep going everyday. It tears my heart out to know that many of them have been shunned not just by society but, by their friends and in some cases their own families. I love them each and everyone not because they are unlovable but, because they are so loveable.
Jesus didn't go to the well, wealthy or loveable people. He went to the sick, poor and unlovable. I am not a judge. I am just a person (like you) that has been affected by this horrible disease.
Thank you James for loving me when I was unlovable. Together we can all make a difference. One life and one day at a time.

I've Got A Secret...

2006-06-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of last month GSN (Gameshow Network) was here in Atlanta doing a contestant search for next season. The best secrets were selected from every city and put on their website for voting. Well mine was selected! To view my secret and others simply go to the link below. Thanks :)

James wants you to check out this video at GSN.com/Secret: http://www.gsn.com/secret/index.php?videoID=46

Virologic Failure.

2006-05-22T13:49:00.000-05:00

The results are in. I am on virologic failure number three. My viral load has gone from 4.000 two weeks ago to 40,400. My CD-4 count went up slightly to 602, however, that is due to the rapid progression of the HIV. Over the course of the next few weeks my CD-4 count will drop again in response to the escalating viral load. My doctor drew labs today to check which medication I am resistant to and what needs to be changed. It takes a few weeks for that particular test to come in and when it does I will post the results for all of you :)

Lab Updates

2006-05-20T13:46:00.000-05:00

I had my new set of labs drawn on Wednesday the 17th. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday the 22nd to review the results. In this set of labs they are testing for the following: testosterone levels, CD-4 count, and a ultra sensitive HIV viral load test (ultra sensitive is the one that can detect below than 50). When I have the results in a few days I will post them along with any new treatment options that are given to me.

I Call Bullsh*%

2006-05-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

So I went for my checkup with my doctor this morning and the results are in. My CD-4 (T-cell) count in March was at 925 and now they are down to 511 and my viral load which has been undetectable since August is now up to 4,000. Amazing that a “largely undetectable virus” or an “inactive virus” can deplete my immune system. Whoda thunk? I obviously am not dealing to well with the news. My doctor is doing repeat tests in two weeks to see in changing my meds needs to be the next step. Write more then.

Why I Fight HIV

2006-04-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

This post is being made to recant an article written by a wonderfully articulate, intelligent, but absolutely ignorant woman by the name of Rebecca Culshaw PhD. I no way am I going to attack her level of degree because I know I am proud of my B.A. Below is a link to the article that she wrote late 2005 entitled “Why I Quit HIV”

http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig7/culshaw1.html

The purpose of my blog posting is to combat the “truths” that she brought to light in her article. I highly encourage you to FIRST read her article as I will be selecting pieces of that to combat specifically. I would like for you to keep in mind that she is NO WAY a serologist or a doctor but simply a biology mathematician! Here we go…

In the fourth paragraph she states that there are “insupportable phrases like “the AIDS virus” or “an AIDS test” have become part of the common vernacular despite no evidence for their accuracy.”

Ms. Culshaw is absolutely correct! As AIDS is not a virus there is no test available to test for AIDS. AIDS is diagnosed when your CD4 count is at or below 200 or you have a combination of opportunistic infections. As a “scientist” it is her job to educate people about the differences. Not use it to promote ignorance.

In paragraph eight she says “The biological assumptions on which the models were based varied from author to author, and this made no sense to me. It was around this time, too, that I became increasingly perplexed by the stories I heard about long-term survivors. From my admittedly inexpert viewpoint, the major thing they all had in common -other than HIV- was that they lived extremely healthy lifestyles. Part of me was becoming suspicious that being HIV-positive didn’t necessarily mean that you would ever get AIDS.

The reason it made no sense to Ms. Culshaw is because every model was created from a different person. Just as it is impossible to make a biological model of the common cold taken from different people, it is impossible to make IDENTICAL HIV models. Second in HIV/AIDS cases you have what is called either fast, slow or non progressors. My best friend has been infected with HIV for over 10 years now and is still simply HIV positive (no AIDS diagnosis). In a rather extreme difference I progressed from HIV to AIDS in only 6 months. The persons immune system ultimately determines how long or if EVER they will “graduate” to AIDS.

In paragraph nine she refers to an article published by Dr. David Rasnick in which the following is stated: “the more I examined HIV the less it made sense that this largely inactive, barely detectable virus could cause such devastation.”

It is here that it is readily apparent neither her nor Dr. Rasnick spent any time in an HIV/AIDS ward of a hospital. First off it is scientifically PROVEN that HIV replicates 50% faster than your body produces CD4 cells. That is hardly what I would call inactive. Second, the fact that HIV is so small does not mean that it is “barely detectable”. My first viral load test was 439,000 per ml of blood, which is very high and very dangerous. When you consider the amount of blood in the average human body, I had BILLIONS of copies floating around in my body at that particular time. Hardly what I would call undetectable. I never had pneumonia, bronchitis, nor neuropathy in my life until after I contracted HIV. Could she or he please explain to me the reason that it just so happened after the fact? I would not comforted by their coincidence answer.

Paragraph 12 states “The classification “AIDS” was introduced in the early 1980s not as a disease by as a surveillance tool to help doctors and public health officials understand and control a strange “new” syndrome affecting mostly young gay men…..For one thing, the definition has actually been changed by the CDC several times, continually expanding to include ever more diseases (all of which existed for decades prior to AIDS), and sometimes, no disease whatsoever.”

I am going to have break right here for a moment and dissect this paragraph as it is so filled with crap I want to try and keep things as clear as possible (unlike Ms. Culshaw). It is absolutely true that the definition of AIDS has changed over time. For example when the AIDS epidemic first started you were not given an HIV diagnosis. Why? Because there was no test for the virus. If you tested positive prior to 1995 you AUTOMATICALLY got an AIDS diagnosis without regard to your CD4 count or if you had an opportunistic infections. As our knowledge about this virus grows things the definition will continue to change. Just as opportunistic infections are added to the list some are also removed over time. Since it is important to know and monitor infectious diseases it was vital to have a system in place to provide accurate data in regards to statistics. If you are diagnosed with AIDS you keep that diagnosis. Why? Because it would be practically impossible to maintain a list of people who have AIDS today but not next week.

Paragraph 12 goes on to state “And the leading cause of death in HIV-positives in the last few years has been liver failure, no an AIDS-defining disease in any way, but rather an acknowledged side effect of protease inhibitors, which asymptomatic individuals take in massive daily doses, for years.”

Want to take a stab at what actually causes liver failure? Protease inhibitors you say? Wrong! More than half of HIV positive persons are co-infected with Hepatitis C. Any takers on which organ Hep C makes fail? If you guessed liver, then you guessed correctly. If you are on Protease Inhibitors (which I take two EVERYDAY and have for over a year now) I can tell you that my liver function is monitored every time I have my labs drawn. At the first sign of trouble I am sure I will be informed and switched.

Paragraph 13 is simply there to try and discredit the public health system, which granted is not the best in the world but I care not about that currently.

Paragraph 14: “..HIV has been present everywhere in the U.S., in every population tested including repeat blood donors and military recruits, at a virtually constant rate since testing began in 1985. It is deeply confusing that a virus thought to have been brought to the AIDS epicenters of New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles in the early 1970s could possibly have spread so rapidly at first, yet have stopped spreading completely as soon as testing began.

Here she starts yet ANOTHER conspiracy theory in regards to the spread of

HIV/AIDS. It is important to understand that people are always dying. Sometimes it is a known cause sometimes it is a mystery. I am lovingly referred to as the “Mystery Man” at my doctors’ office. That being said the actual first case of HIV/AIDS was in St. Louis in 1969. A young street hustler developed Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and several other infections that they were not sure of at the time. The young man passed away. The doctor being the brilliant man that he is decided to freeze some of his blood and tissue samples thinking that one day there might be an answer. Well, when AIDS broke loose he noticed that the people were experiencing the same symptoms his patient had. He tested it and what do you know, the teenager in 1969 died from complications of AIDS. So “Patient 0” not really.

In paragraph 15 she states “Early models assumed that HIV killed T-cells directly, by what is referred to as lysis. An infected cell lyses, or bursts, when the internal viral burden is so high that it can no longer be contained, just like your grocery bag breaks when it’s too full. This is in fact the accepted mechanism of pathogenesis for virtually all other viruses. But it became blear that HIV did not in fact kill T-cells in this manner, and this concept was abandoned, to be replaced by various other ones, each of which resulted in very different models and, therefore, different predictions. Which model was “correct” never was clear.” Paragraph 16 goes on to say “As it turns out, the reason there was no consensus mathematically as to how HIV killed T-cells was because there was no biological consensus. There still isn’t……Worse than that, there are no data to support the hypothesis that HIV kills T-cells at all.

Perhaps it was not clear in 1985. However, there is ABSOLUTELY no doubt what happens now. The sole purpose of any virus including HIV is to reproduce and survive. What happens is when a little HIV attaches itself to a CD4 it instantly becomes a “baby HIV factory.” HIV does not kill the CD4 it renders it useless for its original purpose (to fight infection). A CD4 cell lives no more than 24 hours and then the cell bursts. This is the case for both non infected and HIV infected persons. Anyway, on average two new HIV’s are produced from 1 CD4 cell. If the HIV catches the CD4 cell in its infancy it may produce 3. For the HIV to make the CD4 cell explode would be for the virus to commit suicide, which is NOT its intentions.

Paragraph 17 is where she tries to use difficult abbreviations to try and confuse the reader. However, I hope to clear up some of the mass confusion. You have three different tests that help diagnose HIV infections. The first is the ELISA (which is accurate but can be misleading in RARE circumstances). The other is a Western Blot which is done as a confirmatory to the positive ELISA. The Western Blot tests for the presence of the virus. This again is proven contrary to her statement that “there exists no test for the actual virus.” The third is an actual HIV viral load test. While it is not licensed by the FDA for a positive test it can be used in extreme cases to prove infection. For example had they not done a viral load test on me to try to rule out HIV (as the ELISA and Western Blot were both negative due to my suppressed immune system) then they were going to start removing organs in my body. I can assure you that I am glad they used the viral load test. In regards to why HIV has to be reproduced in order to be seen in a specific blood sample is for this reason: because HIV is in every part of my body (sweat, tears, spit, urine…etc.) there is not going to always be the same amount of the virus in my vein that they draw blood from, so it is necessary to culture it in order to get an AVERAGE of how much is in my body at that given time. All three tests are certified by the FDA and held to their “gold standard”.

In paragraph 18 she really tries to twist the facts, hopefully, again I can explain the truth. She states “The current testing protocol is to “verify” a positive ELISA with the “more specific” WB (which has actually been banned from diagnostic use in the UK because it is so unreliable). But few people know that the criteria for a positive WB vary from country to country and even from lab to lab. Put bluntly, a person’s HIV status could well change depending on the testing venue. It is also possible to test “WB indeterminate,” which translates to any one of “uninfected,” “possibly infected,” or even, absurdly, “partially infected” under the current interpretation. This conundrum is confounded by the fact that the proteins comprising the different reactive “bands” on the WB test area all claimed to be specific to HIV, raising the question of how a truly uninfected individual could possess antibodies to even one “HIV-specific” protein.

First off the UK had not been banned the WB for diagnostic use. If anything clinics stopped using it to use the viral load test (which can detect the presence of the virus a day after infection as opposed to the weeks or months for the antibodies test). Why are their false positives? Let’s say the specific HIV protein is p-120 and that is what produces the antibodies. You get tested and you have a viral infection that is producing p-141 which very closely looks and acts like p-120. That would cause your test to be false positive. Let’s use that example on a more layman level. Let’s say someone takes a common pee-stick pregnancy test. If there is one line she is not pregnant if there are two lines then she is with child. Well let’s imagine that we’re looking at the stick and the first line is as plain as day but the second line is faded. That doesn’t mean that she is partially pregnant. It means that she is either with child or the proteins the tests use mimic the ones produced when one is pregnant.

She lost all of my respect in paragraph 19 when she says she feel “that these tests ought to be banned for diagnostic purposes.” People read this article and immediately assume that since she has a PhD she must know what she is talking about and it’s alright to never have an HIV test. Ergo, irresponsibly passing along a very deadly virus. In my opinion she should be tried for murder. Furthermore I STRONGLY RESENT being referred to as a victim in paragraph 20. While I admit that having HIV is not an easy chore it is NOT one that I am a victim of. I am a survivor. I bitch and complain a lot but I want to make this point VERY CLEAR. I AM HIV! HIV IS NOT ME.

I personally am glad that she decided to quit HIV. We do not need any more people spreading lies about the cause of AIDS. Medically it is proven that even someone with a compromised immune system does not just get AIDS. It is acquired. If anyone who reads this disagrees I simply offer you this ONE challenge, show me one person who has had AIDS and not HIV. That is all I ask for is ONE person. Good luck!

On a side note I would like to personally think a very dear friend of mine and AIDS expert extraordinaire Mr. Guy Pujol for spending the time with me to help compose this article.

Je Suis Finis!

2006-02-13T08:49:00.000-06:00

Well I suppose you all are wondering how my New Orleans trip concluded.  I will go into that later on this afternoon.  For now I want to discuss my Breast Clinic Appointment that occurred this morning.

So for about a month now I have been having severe nipple/breast tenderness, pain and discharge.  I went in this morning and the appointment went something like this.  First they felt me up and put me in weird positions.  Then my oncologist came in and said that I had a “massed sub-dermal infection, and possibly pneumonia.”  When I asked what she planned to do about it she told me that I needed to go to my Infectious Disease doctor.  That she as my oncologist could do nothing more for me.  I asked her what my ID doctor could do that she couldn’t and she said “prescribe something like Bactrim (an antibiotic used to treat AIDS related illnesses).  I got angry and told her that I didn’t understand why I needed to go and see my ID doctor when this is an issue dealing with my breast and she as my breast oncologist should be able to treat matters of my breast.  As you can imagine it only went down hill from there.  By the end of my appointment I was told that I needn’t come back for six months under any condition.  There was nothing more that they could do for me.  So here is the issue as I see it.  I probably am going to piss people off but my thought is better to be pissed off than pissed on.

*Women can have their own television station.
*Blacks can have their own awards, television stations, scholarships, colleges…etc.
*Women can get comprehensive breast treatment at an establishment funded by Avon.

Let a white man develop breast cancer and they are totally fucked.  At what point in time does reverse discrimination end?  The answer to that question is currently not known.  However, I will attest to this.  HELL WILL FREZZE OVER BEFORE I EVER DARKEN THE DOORS OF ANY GRADY MEMORIAL HOSPITAL CLINIC AGAIN IN MY LIFE.  Should I be surprised by the level of care at the lowest rated hospital in the state?  No.  I was contemplating on the way home about my level of care.  And truthfully while I cannot believe the non chalantness of my doctor I am not surprised because this is the same establishment that told me from October 2004 to January 2005 that I had the flu.  Meanwhile I am running temperatures ranging from 101-104.

I am renewing my call to boycott Avon.  I don’t sit by while the government tries to make me a second classes citizen and I sure as fuck am not going to sit by and let some cosmetic company make me one.

Bienvenue a New Orleans!

2006-02-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

So I decided to take a mini vacation to New Orleans with Jarred’s best friend Nicole.  Currently (February 10, 2006) we are on our second day and I have so much to say thus far to recap our trip.

We arrived on Thursday around noon.  After unpacking Nicole and I decided to go for a walk.  We got about 1 ½ blocks away from the hotel and we happened upon two persons.  One was obviously a male and we couldn’t quite tell what the other one was.  The only thing we knew that it was wearing a blue skirt.  We turned around the corner and got a view from the side and decidedly agreed from the facial hair that it was a man.  So it was a guy in a skirt…no big deal.  Nicole and I slowed down to enjoy the scenery.  We turned the corner and the guy in the blue dress had hiked his skirt up, had his ass pressed against a red Ford F-150, squatting down and pissing on the sidewalk!  All of you who know me best can attest to one thing:  I am not easily shocked or silenced.  After I witnessed this act I could do nothing but laugh and call a few people to share in my disbelief.  We ate lunch/dinner at St. Charles Tavern and continued on our trek to the French Quarter.  I was in shock.  It is like a totally different world with it’s own culture here.  I was amazed to see people here walking down the street with an open beer/liquor in their hand.  WOW!  This is my kind of city.

Today (10th) Nicole and I ventured out on our own this morning.  I went to Café du Monde to eat some beignets (French doughnuts) and a fabu café au lait.  Afterwards I decided to walk along the levee of the Mississippi River to take pictures of the cruise and Navy ships that are housing Katrina evacuees.  Much like planes the amazement of seeing a ship operate never ceases to amaze me.  Nicole and I met up and walked around for a bit.  I started getting really thirsty so the question begged to be asked, “Do I want a cola beverage or an adult beverage?”  I decided on the adult beverage (after all it was late enough to start drinking…11:00 AM), it was one of those  Bacardi Raz malt beverage.  The clerk asked for my ID, and upon purchase she opened the bottle and put it in a small brown paper bag.  I must admit that the whole concept of drinking out of a paper bag seems kind of ummmmm trashy and homeless to me, but it was a rather interesting experience.  We passed by an art gallery which was just opening and the guy saw me passing by with my brown paper bag and said proudly “Drinking before noon…my kind of guy!  Welcome to New Orleans!”  So I held my alcoholic head high and realized that I was the kind of tourist they like to see here.  Little did I know that with Nicole dragging me in and out of all the art galleries that I would need the beverage to numb my legs.  After art shopping we decided to eat lunch at a lovely restaurant called The Gumbo Shop.  FABULOUS FOOD!  I ordered chicken gumbo and Madori Sour.  Upon finishing my soup it was time to go so I put my drink in a to go cup and off we went.  Nicole neglected to tell me that their was a lovely little Irish Shop in the quarter.  I saw it and almost instantly fainted from delight.  I purchased a lovely Irish Pride scarf (.  After all the excitement we came back to the room to relax for a few minutes and then we headed off to LaFayette Cemetery (which was started in the early 1800’s).  WOW!  That is all I can really think to say.  It was so steeped in history.  It was interesting to walk around and see “Yellow Fever” on tombstones (required to have on the tombstone at the time per law).  I got some interesting pictures of tombs and such.  That brings us to now.  Nicole is taking forever in the bathroom…”It will only take 5 minutes I swear.”  Meanwhile 30 minutes later I am sitting here writing to you.  Tonight plans to be interesting.  She will be going to goth bars and I will be going to the “fruffy”© gay bars in the quarter.  I suppose for now I will end for today and report more tomorrow as things unfold.

So last night didn’t go quite as expected.  Nicole and I left the room around 9:30 to head into the quarter.  We got a block away from Oz and it started pouring down rain.  I really wasn’t ready to go into a bar yet but I didn’t want to get soaked either so in we went.  It’s a pretty cool bar with an alright atmosphere.  To equate it for all of my friends in Midtown…imagine Blake’s with dancers on the bar in nothing but their underwear.  Speaking of underwear I will fill you in on what happened today (Feb 11th a little later on).  While Nicole and I were sitting in Oz she ventures off and finds a local publication highlighting the local gay nightlife.  I open it to the 4th page and to my surprise and amazement their was an ad for CowPokes, New Orleans ONLY country western gay bar.  I was fit to be tied so I knew where I was going to spend the rest of my night as soon as it stopped raining.  Flash forward about 10 minutes.  It still hadn’t stopped raining yet but it was more just a steady drizzle as opposed to big ole fat rain.  So I told Nicole I was going to go ahead and head for the bar and if she wanted she could leave and go to the Dungeon.  She decided to trek with me.  On our way to the bar we met a lovely local guy named Richard who was going our way as well and he would show how to get to our destination.  We got about 3 blocks away from the bar and Nicole was dripping wet because she was walking slower and decided that since she was so moist she would just call it a night and come back to the room.  Richard and I waited until a cab picked her up and away we went.  This place isn’t nearly as large as Hoedown’s but it is still a really nice place.  The atmosphere was awesome and the drinks reasonable priced.  I finally got back to the hotel around 3:30 AM.

Having had such a long night last night I slept in today.  Nicole was up at the crack of dawn eager to consume her reservation only brunch at some place with a lesbian name.  I kept rolling over and trying to go to sleep.  I finally started to become coherent around 10:00 AM and started getting ready to go out for the day.  I left the hotel around noon and headed to the quarter.  I approached Oz.  As I was walking by the bartender screamed for me to come into the bar.  Well being the nice southern gentleman I am I obliged.  The conversation went something like this:

Bartender:  Hey it’s boring in here.  Our dancers wont be here until later on tonight.  Why don’t you get on the bar and dance.

James:  Ummmm I don’t think so…I’m really shy.

Bartender:  Come on it will be fun.  You get free drinks.

James:  Gurllllll…how long do I have to do it and how much do I have to expose.

Bartender:  As much as you want, you just can’t get naked.

James:  Just for a few minutes (

So after I did my duty at Oz I headed off to the Riverfront Park with a drink in hand to watch the boats for a few minutes.   On the agenda for tonight:  The first Mardi Gras parade of the season.  After that I get in free at Oz so I will definitely be making an appearance tonight.  Then I will head over to Bourbon Street Pub for a spot of time and then if it isn’t too horribly late I will be heading to the country western bar for a little bit.

I will post this now and update the conclusion of the trip between tonight and Monday.

Laissez les bon tempes rouler!

The real State of the Union

2006-01-31T21:21:00.000-06:00

So I’ve started the year off with a rough start.  The beginning of 2006 has not been the best for a portion of America.  I’ve dealt with weird stomach issues and a rash now for several weeks.  Hopefully my dermatologist will be able to tell me what’s going on with it tomorrow.  I will keep you updated.

So I was watching the Chief-Idiot-In-Charge this evening and I must say that I find it rather amazing how he can still screw up a speech by reading it from a teleprompter.  One of the most disturbing part of his State of the Union (which is horrible, I could tell you that without even watching it) was his mention of HIV/AIDS.  Now I am not prejudice in anyway, however, I am very upset that he only mentioned African Americans as part of his HIV/AIDS outreach.  While they are the number one carrier of the virus I would like to take this opportunity to say that they are not the only minority that suffers from this disease.  I am a 20 something year old white male who has to deal with it everyday.  And this horse shit about “I urge Congress to re-authorize the Ryan White Care Act to continue to give….” is absolutely ludicrous.  If he cared so much about it why in the hell wasn’t he on the phone when he and Congress let it expire at the end of last year?  Yep you heard me right.  They let the Ryan White Care Act EXPIRE!  They treat 500,000 Americans healthcare like a passing thing.  It’s almost as if they are on the hill saying “Who cares it’s just niggers and fags.”  I urge you all to call your representatives and let them know that you are disappointed in their representation of the American minority.  Let them know that you as a voting citizen demand the re-instatement of the Ryan White Care Act.  Without that then the vast majority of Americans living with HIV/AIDS have no access to healthcare and/or medication.

The other part I find amusing is that Cindy Sheehan was invited to the State of the Union Address and then was arrested.  MY GOD HOW SCREWED UP IS THIS ADMINISTRATION.  I can only imagine Bush sitting in the prep room the conversation must have went something like this:
(for decoding purposes Dubya is Bush and Turd Blossom is Karl Rove)

Dubya:  Turd blossom, what in the hell is that wayward pain in the ass Sheehan doing here?

Turd Blossom:  I don’t know Bushy, I screened all the evites that went out I didn’t see her name on any of them!  OH, oh, oh...MY GOD I know what happened.  I bet one of those liberal democrat bitches invited her.  Once, I find out which one sneaked her in I am going to plant evidence and call for an Ethics hearing.  I’ll show that evil woman.  OH and to take care of the problem at hand, I will tell the Hill police department that she is trespassing.  She will create a disturbance and away to jail they will take her.  This plan is PERFECT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Dubya:  Think you could take care of it for Big Daddy now?  I gotta go on in 15 minutes. *wink wink*

So alas, Mrs. Sheehan is now sitting in a Washington D.C. cell next to Marion Berry.  God bless her.

Well I have raved on enough for now.  I will keep you updated on the state of my union (

2005 A Year in Review

2005-12-31T17:45:00.000-06:00

Well kiddies another year has come and gone. In the spirit of the approaching New Year I have decided to go over this year and recap all that has happened.

January

After having to quit school, battling a mysterious illness for four months and spending three weeks in the hospital it is learned that I have HIV.

February

On Valentines Day I start my first cocktail of anti-HIV meds which consisted of Truvada and Sustiva.

Jarred first contacts me online.

March

Jarred and I meet for the first time.

I ended up in the hospital again for a second time with pneumonia.

My best friend Wayne and I head to Orlando for a mini-vacation.

While dancing on the floor at Hoedowns I had my first mild heart attack. I finished the dance before I ran outside and collapsed (the laws of dance etiquette are strong.)

Both Terri Shavio and Pope John Paul II die, delivering devastating blows to the Catholic Church.

April

I had to do a home course of antibiotics for pneumonia and bronchitis.

May

I went on my first vacation in a long time to Key West with Jarred, Wayne and a group of friends. It was here that I realized I did more than “loke” (a combination of like and love) Jarred. It was upon our return home we shared the love word with each other.

My viral load plummeted from 439,000 to 670.

June

My cocktail was deemed a clinical failure due to unmanageable side effects. My cocktail is changed to Truvada, Norvir, Reyetaz.

I stand up for the HIV/AIDS community vocally for the first time by debating a street preacher at pride who was holding up a sign that stated “AIDS: Judgment or Cure?”

July

I ended up back in the hospital for 8 days with pneumonia. With this hospital visit came my AIDS diagnosis.

August

Realizing that life is short and love is wonderful I asked Jarred to marry me while dancing to the song “You Had Me From Hello” sung by Kenny Chesney.

September

I took a temporary assignment in an undisclosed location to help cover overdue expenses. It was to last 6 months to a year.

October

Missing Jarred I come back home after only 6 weeks of being away.

November

The famed musical “Rent” comes to the big screen. With it came tears. It was the first time I cried since I became HIV positive.

I officially became a published columnist with the Atlanta Journal Constitution. I was asked to write an article about young people and HIV/AIDS. The article was published on the 29th and was entitled “No One Picture of HIV/AIDS”. That article opened the door for me to work with local AIDS Service Organizations in their Youth Outreach Programs.

December

My 23rd birthday party was fabulous. The theme was taken from a Golden Girls Episode: “Every year that isn’t a headstone is a milestone.”

Jarred and I finally set a date for our wedding: September 17th 2006.

As I look back in reflection I can honestly say that this has been one of the more difficult years in my life. However, without my friends and family it certainly would have been unbearable. And to you my readers (all those who comment on my blog and personally through e-mail) I want to say thank you so much for making this a great year. I hope that my blog continues to provide hope and inspiration to you as well as the occasional laugh. Raise your glasses high as we toast to 2005…2005 we hardly knew ye but I am sure as hell glad to see you go! Here is to 2006!

With love and gratitude,

James

10,512,000 minutes

2005-12-07T10:07:00.000-06:00

In case you are wondering that is round about the same time HIV/AIDS came to the forefront of the media. 20 years ago. WOW and what a long but progressive 20 years it has been. Special thanks to Gilead for the following information:

1985:
-No treatment options available.
-Little is known about the virus or AIDS.
-High level of prejudice against HIV positive people.
-16,000 US cases of AIDS reported; 20,000 globally.

1995:
-Advent of HAART (Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Therapy)
-6 therapies, 2 drug classes

2005:
-27 therapies, 4 drug classes
-Major advances in knowledge about how the virus works.
-People with HIV are more involved in healthcare.
-Over 1,000,000 people with HIV/AIDS in US; 38,000,000 worldwide.

So those are some really major advancements. Thankfully I didn't live with it years ago. However, we know that there is a lot being done to treat the virus but very little is being done to stop the spread of the virus. Every where you look there are idiots helping to spread the virus along. People like Pope Benedict the moron...err 16th, with his anti-condom rhetoric is killing people. King George (aka George W. Bush) is promoting this abstinence bullshit in public schools. Teenagers are going to have sex and to help reduce the risk of infection with any STD is to educate and not make them feel ashamed for protecting themselves. Of course if they were trying to stop the spread of the virus then that would mean that the drug manufacturers would miss out on a whooping 1,000,000,000,000.00 per MONTH! That is not billions that is ONE TRILLION dollars. With what they rake in combined per month we could get out nation out of debt in a little over a year! Puts things into perspective doesn't it?

Aside from all of that my personal/business life has not been soooooooo busy in a very long time. I was asked to write a column for the Atlanta Journal Constitution (the largest newspaper in the South!) regarding HIV/AIDS and some of the biggest challenges that people in my generation who fight the disease face on a daily basis. Rather than posting the article in its entirety here I will simply put in the link and you can click on it and read it yourself.
www.jamestheboywonder.info/Writings.htm

Since the birth of that article I have been approached to do many things. From speaking to a High School, working with a local youth service organization in their new HIV/AIDS outreach program, possibly becoming associate director of youth HIV/AIDS outreach and to top that all off I have been offered a position to counsel kids between the ages of 13-22 who have recently been diagnosed. Everyday for the last week I have been in meetings with people from AIDS Service Organizations. I must admit that today I am really happy to take a break. I was getting really tired and started catching a cold. I have decided to take advice from Jarred and Nicole and just take meetings a little further apart.

The response from the article has been very positive (THANKFULLY!). A mother wrote in the day after the article was published saying that she felt due to the invinsibility feeling people my age have she thinks it should be required reading in middle schools, high schools, and colleges. Now, I don't know about all of that but I do want it to open up the eyes of my generation and tell them IT'S A PROBLEM. STOP BEING STUPID AND PROTECT YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CATCH SOMETHING PENICILLIN WONT CURE! Or doxycycline if you're like me and allergic to penicillin :)

In other news, Jarred and I are doing just spiffy. Last week was stressful for the both of us. We had some issues that had to be ironed out. I am confident that the stress is what gave me this nasty fever blister on my lip. But thanks to the modern medicine it's almost gone.

Well my friends. In an effort to keep the blood circulating in the low extremity of my body I am going to finish off for now and go grab some yummy lunch.

James words of wisdom: Progess is like traffic. Slow moving and full of dumbasses getting in your way.

No Day But Today

2005-11-28T09:37:00.000-06:00

Hello to all of my faithful readers. Well a lot has happened since my last blog post so we have some catching up to do.

RENT
No I am not talking about what you do at the beginning of every month. I am talking about the wonderfully acclaimed Broadway musical turned movie. Most of the time those things just don't work. Usually they change too much but I must admit that I loved the movie as much as the musical. Although I couldn't sit all the way through it. I left towards the end. I will not spoil it for you but I just got totally emotional and started crying. Thinking about it that is the first time I have cried since I found out I was positive in January. I just thought that I didn't need to cry. When I found out I welcomed the news because we finally had an answer to what was wrong with me. Not that I was thrilled to learn I had HIV but at least we could move forward in treatment. When you think of the AIDS crisis and how long it has been going on and how people are still dying of the same illnesses that they were in the 80's and 90's is tragic. I would recommend it highly. Two thumbs way, way up.

SOCIAL SECURITY
I finally found an attorney that would take my case. YAH!!!! The downside is that my court day is in 18 MONTHS. Yeah I know...people who don't need disability can get on it and mooch off the government but people who honestly need it are screwed. I will stand before an Administrative Law Judge and finally get it though. Even if it does take forever. I was really depressed about that for two days. The length of time to get there that is.

NEUROLOGY
To be perfectly honest I don't know why I was sent to a neurologist for a blood clot in my arm but I was so I went to see him. Let me tell you he was really old and had bad fashion taste to say the least. He scratched the hell out of my arm with a safety pin and kept asking "Do you feel that?" Well I didn't feel it but I must admit seeing blood come out of my arm made me feel like I should have been in pain. As if the pin wasn't torture enough they took me in the back (wow this sounds like a seedy sex fantasy) and shocked the ever loving hell out of me. First they did it with this wand type thing in my arm and leg. Nothing like 65 volts of electricity running though your arm and leg. And as if the burn marks on my arm and leg wasn't enough they then put a needle into my arm electrified it and tried to make me do exercises while the damn thing was rubbing against my nerves. After my arm they decided to do my leg, neck and back. If I didn't have nerve damage then I sure as hell do now.

GENERAL MEDICINE
So I should shortly be referred to a surgeon to take this blood clot out of my arm. Yeah the same one that I have been bitching about since I started this blog in February. Of course by the time they get to it I probably will have a stroke but that is neither here nor there. I do have some good news to report. After 8 months, two new drug therapies, three pneumonias, 4 bronchitis episodes and numerous daily trips to the bathroom I am pleased to announce that my viral load is finally UNDETECTABLE. Under 50! My CD4 count is maintaining at the low 600 range. So certainly that is good news.

JARRED
We are doing quite splendedly. After Rent on the way home while I was blubbering away I opened up a little bit more and shared with him why I do some of the things I do. All of it was AIDS related psychological issues that I was having as well as some fears. No wedding day set yet...

HOLIDAYS
So Thanksgiving was really a busy day. We got to my mothers house around 9:30 in the morning. We hung out, watched Golden Girls Season 3, and then ate around 1:45. My aunt joined us for the festivities. Around 2:20 we left her house to head to his parents house. We ate AGAIN, and watched Star Wars Episode 3. Well actually they watched it while I curled up on the couch and tried to nap to get rid of my annoying headache.

WORK FORCE
I have been offered a very part time job doing counceling for persons 13-25 recently diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. Exciting news. I know it will be great to help others who are going down the path that I have travelled. I will keep you updated on that as it develops.

THIS JUST IN...
For all of my readers who live in the Metro Atlanta area or want to look it up on the internet I will be writing an editorial for the Atlanta Journal Constitution entitled "The Changing Face of HIV/AIDS." When I have a definite date of publication I will post it here.

That is all I have for now.

James' words of wisdom: Preserverance is like a plunger. Most of the time it just sits there collecting dust. However, when you need it, it is there to push you through the tightest times.

It's Go Time

2005-10-20T10:54:00.001-05:00

WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY IS RATED X FOR LANGUAGE. IF FOUL LANGUAGE OFFENDS YOU THEN SKIP DOWN TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH.

So I contacted the attorney's office yesterday because they were supposed to send me intake papers in the mail almost two months ago about accepting my Social Security Disability Claim. I called them yesterday to ask what was up. They apologized and told me that someone would be in contact with me early today. PHEW! That was a big relief off of my chest simply because my appeal is already in office. So the woman called this morning and we began chatting. We went through an entire array of questions. She seemed really skeptical about my health condition. And then came the question: "So who do you live with?" My significant other I told her. They she asked how much he made. Jarred and I agree that money isn't a part of our relationship so the vast majority of things we are completely in the dark about in regards to that (and in my opinion we have far less fights than most couples do). However, I know a round about ballpark figure which I shared with her. "Well he makes too much money." HUH?!? Where in the fuck does his income factor in MY SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY CLAIM? WE ARE NOT AND CANNOT BE LEGALLY MARRIED. As far as the federal government is concerned we are nothing more than friends who just happen to have an intimate relationship. Never mind the fact that my doctor will not release me to work, I have recurring pneumonia, chronic bronchitis, neuropathy, Kikuchi's Disease (lymphadenopathy), chronic diarrhea, chronic fatigue, anxiety, trouble concentrating, breast cancer and most of all NEVERMIND THE FUCKING FACT THAT OUT OF THE LAST 10 MONTHS I HAVE SPENT 1 1/2 OF THEM IN THE HOSPITAL. WHOOO HOOO I CAN TELL YOU WITH A TRACK RECORD LIKE THAT I HAVE EMPLOYERS LINING UP AT MY DAMN DOOR TO OFFER ME A POSITION IN THEIR COMPANY. You want to know who I hold responsible for this. While a part goes to the federal imperialist government a large part of the blame goes to Joe Q. Public. That's right. All the people who took from Social Security who didn't need it. All the people that continue to take from it and they are perfectly able to get up everyday and go to work with out problems. That is who I blame for this. Thanks for fucking up life for the rest of us who actually need the assistance.

And if you thought that was the end of my rant sit back and listen to more. I was one of the very first males treated at the Grady Comprehensive Avon Breast Clinic. I was first male patient there who was treated with tamoxifen. You would think that the kind of relationship that I have with them that they would know me when I called. No instead I get fucking attitude from the front desk clerk. "Ummm well Mr. McClarity we are going to have to let you talk to a nurse to schedule your appointment." To which I asked "Why can't I just set it up with you." "Ummm because you're a special client." Let me tell you what that means. Avon is the primary funder of the Comprehensive Breast Clinic at Grady Memorial Hospital. Do you know that Avon will not fund an organization that even mentions MALE BREAST CANCER IN its LITERATURE? That's right my friend old fashioned 18th century discrimination on the basis of sex. They say that they offer the same treatment no matter what but I find it rather odd that they never did a lumpectomy and that the ONLY treatment they are willing to offer me is chemotherapy. WOW NOW THAT'S FUCKING COMPREHENSIVE RIGHT THERE. Chemotherapy is so cutting edge that it's practically hot when you touch it. Well it does make me have hot flashes but that is not even the point right now. So now I will sit back and wait two weeks for them to call me to give me an appointment in two months.

If you skipped over the first two paragraphs welcome. This will be the happier, bubbly paragraph of this blog posting. Jarred and I had a fabulous weekend in Saint Simons Island. His friend Rick (who is one of his co-workers) got married to his sweetheart of several years, Beth. They are such a lovely couple. When we got down there we were promptly delivered to the lesbians of the group (Beth's auth Lynn) and her partner Carol by Beth's mother. Lynn performed the ceremony. They really are an awesome couple. They have formally invited Jarred and I out to St. Louis where they live in February to attend an AIDS Fundraiser that to my understanding is the highlight of the St. Louis social season. Besides the fact that we stayed at Camp Jesus (the wedding was held on a Methodist retreat and that just happens to be where our hotel was located) it was an awesome weekend. Both of the families were very warm and inviting and we were never frowned upon or snubbed by anyone there. It was as if we were almost a part of the family. If you want to see pictures go to Jarred's blog he has them up there.

Enough for today honey it's time for me to go and take a Xanax.

James

The Neverending Story...

2005-10-07T20:39:00.001-05:00

As I break out into song and dance :) Well today has been an interesting day. I went to see an eye doctor about the large discomfort I have been having in my right eye for the last couple of days. Their was both good news and bad news. The good news is that it is not the borderline glaucoma that was discovered a year ago. It is a simple eye infection that can be treated with a Z-pack. Apparently it is a package of antibotics that is distributed much like steroids and you just taper off of them. The vision in my right eye is slightly worse, but the doctor tells me that is to be expected as a natural part of aging.

I called social security today to get on their ass about their obvious lack of concern for my case and I was promptly notified that my case was assigned to someone just yesterday afternoon. So now we have another 3-6 months before a decision about my case is even made. Onward and upward we go.

So that is all the exciting news I have for now.

Here's looking at you,

James

The Road Less Traveled

2005-10-07T01:25:00.001-05:00

Well kiddies, I know it's been a while since my last update. I apologize about my lag. Things have been really hectic lately and my heart honestly hasn't been in blogging. I want to share a few things that have been going on and update everyone on how things are going on my side of the tracks.

Healthwise I have been a little on the ill side. I had a bout of bronchitis about two weeks ago. The doctor prescribed me antibotics for 7 days. I took them and got better. I'm just dealing with a little post sickness blah.

Social security still has not got my paperwork at the Disability Ajudication Board :~< I cannot begin to express my extreme displeasure with the federal government at this time. It's amazing that people who need it cannot get it and those who do not need it hire a lawyer and get it quickly. Just another classic example of how nice guys sometimes finish last. As an end result of not having the financial capability and no one releasing me to work I have had to take a job on the side. At this point I cannot divulge any other information other than it's a cushy type situation where I am able to get some of my long pastdue bills caught up.

Jarred and I are doing well. He is dealing with seperation anxiety (atleast via the phone) as well as he can be expected. He is being extremely supportive and knows there will come a day when we can be together again on a full time basis. I hate having missed his birthday, however, I did send him some flowers and a bear. Speaking of the flowers, I am very upset with FTD right now. I ordered Jarred roses and a brown chenille bear to go along with it. I was talking to him on the tele and he informed me that the bear is red with black hearts on it. WTF is that all about?!? I do plan to express my displeasure via customer service.

I am missing all of my dear friends in Atlanta right now. A special shout out to Watusi and Michael. I miss you guys and cannot wait until we can get together and do us some two-steppin at our favorite local watering hole.

Psychologically I am hanging in there. I recently purchased a movie called "The Cure". If you have never seen it it is a definite must see. Below is the film synopsis:

"One summer, two boys went in search of a dream...and found the friendship of a lifetime. Joseph Mazzello (Jurassic Park) and Brad Renfro (The Client) star in this heartwarming adventure story filled with laughter, compassion and the enduring power of hope. New to a quaint, riverside community, eleven-year-old Dexter (Mazzello) and his single mom are quickly shunned when it's learned the boy has AIDS. Next door lives Erik, a lonely latch-key bully who surprisingly initiates a friendship. But trouble soon finds the twosome after they read a tabloid that suggests a New Orleans doctor has a cure. Determined to find him, the boys build a raft and set sail down the mighty Mississippi, "Tom Sawyer" style, in a magical, often hilarious journey that gives Dexter a chance to experience life as it should be lived and will change both boys' lives forever."

So that is what the movie is about. Even though the film was made in 1995 and treatment options have become more abundant the truth of the matter is that we are still no closer to finding a cure in 2005 than they were in 1995. There is a point in the movie where Renfro says the day they find a cure he wants everyone to go to Baskin Robbins order a big sundae and everyone can just eat out of that to celebrate. I suppose that is how I feel. I hope that there comes a day when my friends and I can go eat a celebratory ice cream. I hold onto the hope that
one day that will happen.

Holding out for a cure,

James

I'm not passing go...

2005-07-27T22:26:00.001-05:00

While not as insightful as my title yesterday it fits my mood perfectly. I do want to clarify that I received several calls today and I do want to tell everyone I AM NOT FREAKING SUICIDAL! I thought I made it clear by saying there was more I wanted to see and do but a few of my friends were really concerned. I love you all!

Right now I really don’t know how I would put my mood. I am a bit overwhelmed with maybe a twist of depression thrown in for good measure. With social security taking their sweet time bills are piling up, medical insurance goes down the drain, and unfortunately they are taking me with them. My “advocate” told me today that it could be a couple of months before I was assigned a new adjudicator (the person who is responsible for filing my claim with the SS disability board). I told her frankly I don’t have a few months. I was supposed to get presumptive disability in March because I have oh I don’t know two terminal illnesses (one that progressed from HIV to AIDS in six months) and several other chronic issues that at least for now prohibit me from working in any successful productive environment. Here we are in July my rent goes unpaid (thankfully my older roommate I have been with since I was 16 and is more like my dad than roommate) has been very understanding. I have managed to stay afloat by paying my bills with excess student loan money but now that is running out and tapped out unless I can manage to get more from them.

I feel like a failure in my relationship right now. I spoke with Jarred this evening and told him that if shoes were reversed I would tell myself to get my shit together and then call back. I believe him when he says all is well but I mean I think sometimes what is the straw that breaks the camels back? I don’t have the energy or the desire to have sex. Not because I don’t find him highly attractive I just can’t seem to feel good and be in the mood at the same time.

I have always been a logical thinking person. I have always had a plan and pretty much followed it to the finish. Right now there is just no logic there. It is totally reeking havoc in what little mind I have left. Maybe now the diagnosis that I longed to have to bring peace to my life is finally causing the emotional turmoil that it should have when they said “you have HIV.” WOW talk about your delayed reaction.

I get so frustrated and I sit here crying because I am lost (AND NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT JESUS for all you fundes). When I look in the mirror it is not the same person that was there July 27, 2004. He looks the same, has the same personality but is a totally different person. One whose life is planned around bathroom breaks and lives on post-it notes because his short term memory loss is having long term memory loss. I know that deep down I will never be the same James ever again but to have a part of him back in my life again would make me the happiest boy in the world.

I went to a person today to talk about chest x-rays and he seems to think I have a mild case of PCP. It is going undiagnosed because my CD4 has never been below 200. I go tomorrow to get a second opinion on my second opinion. I think once I know what is going on physically that may ease some of the tension that I have built up inside.

So for now I will sit here in jail and wait to get the $50 to bail myself out or will pray that I roll doubles before the eternal three turns.

Fought a good fight....

2005-07-27T00:29:00.001-05:00

The title today is one of great reflection. Many of you who read this and know me will attest that Christianity is not something I readily cling to for comfort. After all it doesn’t comfort people like me. Its love is some of the more hateful, hurtful, discriminatory, and judgmental love I have ever had the un-privilege to experience in my life. However, I find great comfort and conflict in this passage. The full text is as follows:

2 Timothy 4:6-8 (King James Version)

6: For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.

7: I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

8: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

While the time of my departure is not yet at hand, I feel as if I have fought a good fight, finished several courses and all the while kept my faith. Through struggles with my family, living alone now for years, and going through a hell of a lot on my own I kept the faith. And then there was the day when I had faith that one day I would wake up and read that a cure for cancer has been found. Four years later after great strides, A LOT of breast cancer speaking fundraisers, there still is not a cure nor an easier treatment than what is currently offered. Is it a wonder that people give up and throw in the towel? Every time I have had to say goodbye to a friend who passed away of AIDS related complications I have kept the faith that sometime, somewhere research would finally payoff and at minimal a vaccine would be available. Yet again there is at least for now an empty promise. Now I watch slowly as a new generation of HIV positive people slip into AIDS and die due to complications. Every time I am admitted to the hospital I obviously have faith that I will get better. However, in the meantime I have to watch myself and one of my best friends in the world succumb to a disease that should have been eradicated 20 years ago. But we fight a good fight, keep the faith and offer ourselves but the finish line seems to never be near. Please do not take this the wrong way, when I say finish line I am not necessarily referring to death. There is still so much more to do and see. I suppose I ask one of the greatest questions in the world. Why do people suffer? I don’t buy into the whole Adam and Eve fall into sin crap. If there is a God that is just and loving (as in the Christian faith) why does “he” make the people he loves so much suffer so hard? Having to watch my loved ones face as a nurse mentioned that she “has known people live 10-15 years with my condition” fall from hurt is something that no one should have to witness. Perhaps Jim Carrey said it best when he said God was a giant kid in the sky with a magnifying glass. I simply know that I take my meds everyday, do what I am told and yet in the end the result is still the same. The great thing about HIV/AIDS is that it is no longer a death warrant. It is however, a death sentence. A death warrant is one that is executed quickly. Most times THANKFULLY that is not the case. But truth be told unless you get hit by a bus or something along those lines you will eventually fall to AIDS related complications (ARC). Since I received official word of my AIDS diagnosis I have held up pretty well. Perhaps this is just my way of trying to rationalize in my head. There are days when I just sit back and think…”it’s a race between cancer and AIDS to see what gets me first.” I do admit that it does not dominate my thoughts, but I do think about it. I laugh and say I have the luxury only a handful of other people know…the way they will die. I ask myself now is that a comfort or a curse? At one time I thought it to be a comfort. Now I just don’t know how to deal with it. Alas, things will come in time. Things that are not known will be made known while the time is right I suppose. I just know for now I taking a nap and if the course end is near wake me on your by and together we will collect the crown of righteousness :-D

It's Not HIV but...

2005-07-25T08:57:00.001-05:00

It isn’t full blown AIDS either. I was hospitalized last week with a bout of pneumonia. This is the third time in six months. I really have been avoiding this like the plague because according to the CDC a person is “diagnosed with AIDS when they have recurrent pneumonia (meaning 3 or more times within a set period).” I am in that set period of time. I am dealing with it very well. It is just a thing. Not too much is happening besides that. They released me yesterday with two new medications to take short term. They may put me on antibiotics for a prophylaxis…I shall see next week where that will take me.

I am a bit confused about my lungs. During the initial stages of my visit my doctor told me that they were able to see an infiltrate on my right lung. Up until this point it was only visible by CT scan which means it is getting more dense. However, it was not as severe when I was finally able to leave. That makes little difference because the problem is that where you once couldn’t see it…now you can.

Jarred was a real trooper. I love him so much. He stayed with me while at the hospital, leaving only when necessary. He slept on the pullout sofa couch thing. I swear the boy can sleep on anything during anything. Even the knocking-blood pressure taking-stab you in the arm, nurses didn’t wake him up. It was still cute none the less. Also, a large majority of my friends came up and were extremely supportive as well. I believe that is what made the 5 days somewhat bearable. My mom was really great during this time as well. She brought me goodies and tended me the way only mom knows how.

Well I would write more but as you can tell it has been a fairly uneventful week. Maybe more will happen this week.

Hugs and love,

James

SURGEON GENERAL WARNING...SMOKERS SUCK!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-19T12:36:00.001-05:00

Greetings! I bring good tidings and cheer. Yeah, whatever. As some of you know or don’t know I had my doctors appointment yesterday. There was some good news as well as some bad, let us go over the bad first.

Those of you who have followed by blog know that my original cocktail of AIDS meds truvada/sustiva didn’t quite work out for the better. I was having a rash, and then some pretty severe anxiety issues. I wanted to kill the cats, kids, and stupid people in general. Well according to some tests it caused permanent CNS (central nervous system) damage. I am not a drooling vegetable or anything; however it affected the part of my CNS which regulates anxiety. So I probably will be on anti-anxiety medicine for an extended period of time. Meaning that my temper which was really bad before is now even worse when pressed. Think about that next time you cut me off on the interstate you freaking morons.

During my hospital visits earlier this year my arm had ample opportunity to develop thrombosis. Basically that is a condition where your vein collapses and causes a series of blood clots in the area in which an IV is placed. Back in February my doctor requested that we give it six months to heal itself. Officially six months is over and now my hand actually goes numb sometimes and I lose complete feeling. Well that is a lie, I can feel that it is much colder than the rest of my body. That seems to be the primary concern right now. So surgery will be scheduled when I meet with the neurologist/cardiologist sometime here in the near future.

Now for all of you who might be wondering about the title of today’s recounted sage here goes. We seem to have found the roots of my lung issues. First of all being exposed to secondhand smoke for most of my life didn’t help my situation. For all you smokers who say the only ones you are hurting is yourself is utter BULLSHIT. Why should I be the one that has to be inconvenienced and go outside when it is you who is polluting the air with known cancer causing agents. The other reason is because of Grady Healthcare System. When I started going to them in late October sick as a dog they told me I didn’t have HIV, Syphilis, or any other STD. They also told me that I didn’t have bronchitis or pneumonia. They gathered that by ONE CHEST X-RAY. They did nothing more than tell me I had the FUCKING FLU for FOUR MONTHS. Of course do not think that yours truly did not protest that diagnosis but what could I do? So this entire time for FOUR MONTHS this bacteria was eating my lung which caused bronchitis and then pneumonia to form. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOU EVIL BASTARDS! I HOPE YOU GET THE SAME LEVEL OF CARE YOU GAVE ME WHEN YOU’RE FREAKING SICK! Alright sorry for the outburst however, I think it was warranted.

Now for the GOOD NEWS!!!!! I had my labs drawn at the beginning of the month. I got the results yesterday. My CD4 count has risen by 221 to an amazing 638 (that is great considering the average male has about 1000). My viral load (the amount of virus in your blood) dropped by 500 to 170. This means that my new cocktail is working really well. I was really glad to hear that my numbers were so good considering the fact that when I had labs drawn I was sick. Now that they are much better we can start working on issues that we couldn’t before because my viral load was so off the chain.

On to other news…Jarred and I are doing really well. We’ve talked a lot about my fears and concerns with him being negative. The fear of being left at the most down point in my life is very real. He assures me that he will be there through the thick and the thin. I believe him with all of my heart, however, it is my own demon that I have to fight and it does continue to get better. He is still trying to sell his house. He got a new real estate agent that hopefully will be a lot better job than his last P.O.S. agent.

My best friend Ms. Jenkins (AKA Wayne) dumped his lover of 10 years. It’s been a real trying time for him with work and people not paying him (the attorney bastards). So I am about to pull some ghetto bill collecting action on the people that owe him money. Overall he is much happier being single and able to do his own thing. He just gets to sleep with all the men that I would have if I didn’t have such a wonderful boyfriend/partner/lover/husband. Gay relationships are kind of funny. You really don’t know what to call each other because there is a stage where you are more than boyfriends but not quite lovers yet. If anyone knows of a term please let me know J

Well kiddies that is about it for now. Uncle James is ready to sign off for the time being.

James’ words of wisdom: If you can’t be good then be good at it.

Your mission should you choose to accept it...

2005-06-28T15:19:00.001-05:00

I forgot to add this to the post earlier today so I will just create a new post. While at the pride festival I found a pamphlet that states why homosexuals are "dangerous" :) Special thanks to the Queer Progressive Agenda for this wonderful list.

10. We can end civilization as you know it.

9. We DO recruit (10% is not enough! Queer activists and allies are always needed)

8. We celebrate our bodies and our desires, and it's not a private choice.

7. We're not buying what you're selling, like sweatshop clothes, useless crap, and beer (we're not your niche market).

6. We're not just girls and boys. (Your gender binary system just doesn't fit all of us)

5. We're not all white.

4. We're not all rich (Granted some of us have more expendable income that others).

3. We threaten the marriage of Church and State.

2. We don't want to be "normal". (Assimilation is boring.)

1. We have better sex and more toys.

Proudfully yours,

James

Holy Homosexuals...

2005-06-28T09:47:00.001-05:00

Well as many of you know tis the season of PRIDE. WHOHOOOOOOOO PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY. Alright truth be told this was my first pride completly sober. Shocker yes, sad ABSOLUTLY. This was also my first pride as an HIV positive person. As I walked around the park it was nice and affirming to see people walking around with a red ribbon attached to their shirt or skin. Mine is permenantly attached (via tattoo on my right ankle, see picture). No pride would be complete without the Jesus Freaks. You know the ones that march around carrying their signs that condemn us to hell. Usually I just walk by and smile because I know that they are nothing but idiots. However, this year the sign got all over me. Not a supernatural sign...the one that said "AIDS, Judgement or Cure." Having had friends that had HIV/AIDS the sign always bothered me but this...this year it was just too much. My over sensitivity kicked in and I started screaming comebacks. I wasn't the one that was screaming lewd things at him, mine were really just basic questions. I asked if he was here to do Gods work then why was he breaking one of the greatest commandments in the bible. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Also there is that one thing they keep forgetting that just flies over me. Judge not lest ye be judged also. I also pointed out that the highest HIV/AIDS cases were among heterosexuals that just happened to be of the African American persuasion. He informed me the reason for that was because "The Africans ate monkies and then they had queer sex." YEA RIGHT! That's the real reason. So through it all and at the cost of my voice, I made him look really stupid. Because in the end he proved that he knew ABSOLUTLY nothing. I think Jarred and I will visit their church :)

In other news Social Security came through. While they acknowledged the fact that I had HIV, Cancer, and I do have a tendecy to be extremely nervous at times they don't feel that should stop me from working in the same capacity that I did at once. You know a promise from the government means NOTHING. Don't think that I didn't give them a good what for when I got my denial letter. I cussed them out and told them that I was disappointed in their apparent lack of respect by making promises they cannot and did not keep. I am in the process of filing the appeal now. They did not even use all of the medical records that they were supposed to. BIG SHOCKER HUH. I am working very hard to get this done ASAP so that I can get all of these looming medical bills (totaling now about $46,000.00) off of my back. The stress is totally overbearing. I know that everything in the end will work out but until the light is a little brighter at the end of the tunnel then I will continue to worry just a bit.

Jarred and I are doing really well. Coming up on the big 4 in two weeks. Time has really flown by with him. He has continued to be supportive and loving and moreso this last week. I have been a little under the weather (hopefully it's just a cold), and this whole financial mess has really taken it's toll on me. It is really nice to have someone there to help when the going gets tough. I love you honey! :)

Well enough for now. I hope this finds everyone in the blogvironement doing well.
James' words of wisdom "Often times the road to success is under construction and full of dumbasses getting in your way."

What is the World coming to?!?

2005-06-12T23:15:00.001-05:00

As a second year psychology/law student I like to think of myself as a some what higher educated individual. I like to think I know a lot about the world having lived it in and experienced quite a bit. Furthermore I like to think of myself as someone with a large sense of humor. I think my significant other, friends and family would agree to that. You the reader may be wondering where I am going with this, so here it is. When did HIV/AIDS become something that the general population laughs about and thinks is funny? Tonight Jarred and I sat down to watch Team America World Police and it showed a Broadway show actor (the show was entitled Lease) singing a song about everybody having AIDS. That pretty much did the movie in for me. Anything else I might have enjoyed in the movie was utterly destroyed by this one cold laugh that myself and 900,000 other United States citizens must endure every waking day of our life. Well as I was actually just starting to feel a little less uptight I was lying on the bed watching Family Guy (less than 15 minutes ago) and it showed a flashback (as the show likes to do) of Peter and a barbershop quartet going into a hospital room and singing to this guy that he has AIDS. "It's not HIV but full blown AIDS." As an HIV positive person who has to take around 15-20 pills daily, gets tired by walking up stairs, and has chronic stomach problems I just don't understand how anyone in America can find this amusing. I certainly would never wish this disease upon anyone but it would be ultimate self gratification for them to have to endure this for just ONE DAY. Let the creators of these programs and movies have to lay in a hospital bed for two weeks, endure a common cold for two months and put their life on hold because of illness. Has HIV/AIDS become the new politically correct thing to make fun of? Where was I when this memo was sent out?

For those who read this blog that I don't know personally you may be thinking...well he got HIV because he was reckless and didn't use protection. I want to clear the air with that right now. The person I was with used protection, however, condoms not being fool proof broke. At the time he did not know that he was positive due to the incubation period. I was a bit upset that it busted but knew that it happened and didn't think much about it, until I got the call with him telling me that he was positive.

Furthermore I can understand that we as a nation who is well off may have the urge to help other countries get on track. What I can't understand is why we are helping other countries secure HIV/AIDS meds when we cannot even secure meds for everyone in this country. For example say you want to get on Ryan White or the Drug Manufacturer's Patience Assistance Program you can only make $12,000.00 (give or take a few dollars) in order to qualify for assistance. If you make $12,001.00 then you cannot receive assistance. That means that there are a lot of people in this country who are not taking meds not because that don't want to but because our government is making them choose between meds, food and shelter.

Perhaps I am just being overly sensitive on this issue. However, I think with just cause. When we sit back and allow injustice then people can never see the truth. I just hope that the people that watch Family Guy and Team America and think AIDS is a laughing matter never have to endure the pain of watching someone they love or themselves die of this non-laughing disease.

James words of wisdom: He who laughs and partakes in others misfortune gets bit in ass hard.

Hugs and kisses,

James

Key West, Camping, and blah moods

2005-06-05T23:46:00.001-05:00

I apologize for not having the rest of the Key West story for some reason when I try to cut and paste from Word is cuts out a lot and essentially I end up losing long blogs. For the rest of the story and where we went check Jarred's blog (http://spaces.msn.com/members/jarredfehr/).

This weekend we went camping with a group of people from Hoedowns. Jarred and I went last weekend and bought a tent condo. Complete with two rooms :) Although the "rooms" were basically see through, so we didn't set them up. Wayne and Clay (Jarred's friend) slept in the tent with us. They seem to hit it off fairly nicely. They both deserve someone nice. Rich and Craig our friends from Key West that live in Marietta also joined us on this trip. Weather was really shitty the first day but got really nice yesterday and today. Jarred, Rich, Craig and I contributed to the Cherokee Indian Reservation by playing at their lovely gaming station (meaning we went to the Harrah's Casino). We came out with a deficit but suffice it to say we had enough money to get back home.

So I came home today and have been in a really great mood. Clay and Wayne hung out here at the house and I cooked dinner for everyone. YAH! Then I came upstairs and read an update from aidsmeds.com and now I feel kind of icky. Having had friends die from AIDS related complications is really a difficult thing to have to watch. Reading about this new HIV infection and then the progression of HIV to AIDS has really got me a little on the depressed side. HIV/AIDS is regretfully not a fast illness. There are many stages and illnesses that one has to face before death in dealing with AIDS. There are times when I feel guilty and sad because I know that unless something unforeseen happens then it is going to be that dies and ends this wonderful relationship prematurely. However, I just remember that memories are formed regardless of the length of time that two people spend together. It is the bond that they share and feel with one another. I guess this is just one of the times that realization sets in for a brief moment and I realize what the end result of my life is going to be and I just dont like it.

On a side note I had an appointment on the 1st of this month. My first drug regimen has been deemed a failure. Three drugs are now taken out of future possibility. They are replacing the Sustiva with Reyataz and Norvir. The Truvada will remain a part of my daily routine.

Enough aching for today. Here is to good times, loved ones, and whatever the future may hold.

Hugs and love,

James

Daylight come and me dont wan go home...

2005-05-18T18:06:00.001-05:00

I realize that it has been about a month since my last blog entry, however, it has been a very busy month. One filled with romance, intrigue, sun, sand, and lots of suntan lotion. So fasten your seatbelts as I take you on a tropical paradise journey.

So Jarred, Wayne, Jerry and I for our vacation decided to go to Key West. On the way down we stopped overnight in Orlando at Rob and Eric's house (mutual friends of Wayne and I). While in Orlando Jarred and I went to his brother's house in Sanford. To be honest I was rather nervous meeting his family for the first time. Brothers for the most part are rather accepting though. It was his sister-in-law that kind of scared me a little bit. I was expecting this uber-christian bitch who was just waiting to get me along in the back of the house so that she could sacrafice me to God. Suprisingly it was quite the opposite. At least to my face she was nice :) Jarred, Jerimiah, Brooke, Elliot (Jarred's niece) and I all went out to eat at Orlando Steakhouse or something like that. When Jarred and I started to leave she asked "Would you mind if I gave you a hug?" With a shocked look on my face, I managed to utter the words..."sure." Jarred and I got back to Rob and Erics house around 11 that night.

8:45 AM came early. We managed to get up and start moving about when we recieved news that Ross (another mutal friend) was on his way with Dunkin Donuts coffee. YUMMY! After Ross arrived Jarred, Wayne, Jerry and I packed up loaded the car made sure Ross was ready to go and off to Key West we went.

The drive down there while fairly unproductive was really scary. We ran into some really bad weather, at times visibility was pratically zero. We only had to drive about 1.5 in the rain, and it wasn't storming the entire way down so it really wasn't that bad. It was entertaining watching Jerry drive (Jarred and I were riding with Ross). I realized looking at him drive that it was amazing that we surived during his short dri

The 2005 Darwin Award goes to...

2005-04-28T02:52:00.001-05:00

The selfish hispanic that jumped in front of a MARTA train and leaving commuters stuck in a tunnel for two hours and discontinuing rail service for about 4 and a half hours. Frustrating ya. What's even more funny is that when I was finally able to talk to people they thought that perhaps it was me in an effort to make a point against the crappiest transit system in the US. I suppose the panic would be there if you called and didn't get in touch with me. I know that at times I can go to the extreme to make my point but dear God, I am not that crazy. I just yell and scream at the MARTA people and threaten to jump out in front of BUSES. My chance for survival is far greater than being rammed by a 68 MPH train on an electric track. But the Julia Childs look is out. My sincere apologies for everyone who tried to contact me during this period.

So whatelse is new you may ask? Well in an effort to not get behind in my education I have enrolled in college classes that can be done at home :) YIPPEE. Once things settle down at the first of the month I know my beau will be excited so I wont be constantly texting him and such.

I went to the cardio doctor yesterday. More preventative treatment. Nothing bad just dont want anything to get bad so go ahead and treat it. Not necessarily sure how fond I am of that but c'est la vie. I will go with it until my body tells me otherwise.

The dentist appointment today went well. I pulled up to the office around 8:20 and hung out until they opened. They cleaned and they got me ready for my final caps which will happen next month.

Alright kiddies that is about it for now. Until next time remember these words of wisdom: Man who gets hit by transit train and dies, pisses lots of people off.

Hugs,

James

A sigh of relief

2005-04-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to let all of you know keep up with this on a regular basis that my doctor called today with my viral load count. It went from 439,000 in January to 670 :)

And the survey says...

2005-04-20T13:19:00.001-05:00

I'm going to live another 20 years or so. I had my doctor appointment on Monday the 18th and things appear to be going smoothly. Minimal/no gurgling in my lungs (the pneumonia has cleared up), and just left with a case of bronchitis. So how am I feeling you may ask? Feeling pretty damn good actually. I am going to head out later today to register with the BRAC Center so I can get some chiropratic care. Here is the low down for the past couple of days.

I went to Jarred's house on Saturday. C'est tres interestant. Not his house but Canton. Nicole (his close friend), Jarred and I went to an ice cream shop Saturday evening. Big trucks (which you know what they say about guys who drive big vehicles) with confederate/state flags mounted on the back with rednecks in them screaming as they drove past, un-nerved me just a little bit. However, I felt pretty protected. Sunday we hung out at the house and he taught me to play Texas Hold em' Poker. More about that later. At 4:45 or so we headed to Burkharts where we met some of my friends and just hung out. My friend Shane (aka Bubbles) just thinks Jarred is one of the hottest things to ever walk. Which ya know I have to say we have always had great taste in men! After that we went to Bennihanas (yeah I know it's misspelled). Great food and watching them cook it was awesome. They put on quite a show.

Monday was the doctor's appointment which my mother went with me to. See first paragraph...Later on that evening Jarred and I went to Woofs to play Texas Hold em'. I really wasn't too keen on playing since I just learned the day before. Well believe it or not I pulled it out of the hat. I cleared the first two rounds and made it to the last one. My partner in crime was eliminated in the first round :( I placed third and was the first player of the evening to obtain a pink chip. Ohhhhh ahhhhhhhh. Some things I just pick up pretty quickly and ride with. No comments from the peanut gallery.

Yesterday was a rather interesting day. The election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to the office of the Pope was rather depressing. I was thinking today how is a man one day just a Cardinal and then the next the embodiment of Jesus Christ on this planet. Is that not reincarnation which is against Catholic Dogma? I mean to have so many Jesus' just doesn't seem right. I guess the world will never know. Amidst that I took my old computer to a friends house to use since his Gateway (can we say POS?) died. Didn't quite get it all set up but will finish that tomorrow morning. I am currently awaiting news on my viral load test which should come in this afternoon. When I get that I will post them. For all of you poor souls that tried to call me yesterday I apologize, I was in such a hurry to get out of here and set up this computer for my friend that I left my cell phone at home and I did check the messages throughout the day but sadly to say I don't have anyones number memorized :(

Well kiddies that is it for now I hope this blog finds you all well!

Hugs and kisses,

James

...and I could not ask for more

2005-04-14T17:35:00.001-05:00

I've found all i've waited for and I could not ask for more. Alright well that statment in and of itself may not be entirely true but at this point I consider myself to be pretty lucky. My relationship with Jarred is progressing at a wonderful pace. We have had many wonderful dates. Our first was the trip to the Orchestra. The music was so relaxing that I started to doze off. Thankfully we both decided at intermission to leave to go watch a movie. Tactful, maybe not. But we enjoyed ourselves so BLAH! Since then we have spent two or so weekends together and almost a full week. I truthfully never thought it would be possible to find long term compansionship with someone who was negative. What I like most about this is that he is very supportive. I have really opened up to him in a way that I never thought possible to do in a month. I have to say overall that I am very excited about the progression.

On to other news. I have yet again contracted pneumonia (not PCP). In addition to that I have also got bronchitis. Since my doctor was on vacation this past week I got to see someone else. He thought that 5 days of antibotics would work to get rid of it. Not quite sure if it worked or not. When I spoke to my doctor after the news she was rather confused about why he didn't admit me with my past history. Thankfully they didn't however, it truthfully is never far from my mind. Overall even though I am not feeling well physically I suppose my emotional and phychological well being are being so taken care of by the new light of my life that I really don't even have time to think of myself as being sick!

Upcoming plans....This weekend Jarred is coming down on Friday to spend the night with me. Saturday I am going to his house for the night to sleep on his waterbed (hmmmmmmmmm). Sunday is up in the air. Alas, I am looking forward to whatever may come.

THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL. What to do what to do. Not sure how things are going to pan out. Social security is giving me the run around which is giving me a headache. For once I wish the bastards had to go through the process like us. It's not easy. Being disabled, not able to work and then having to rely on someone for your livelyhood sucks. I sincerely wish they got to experience it. Enough negativity. I know I will get it eventually, its just not easy in the meantime. Well kiddies it is another day in paradise so I am going to leave you now to do something constructive, like study.

Hugs and kisses,

James

The 411

2005-03-27T02:43:00.001-06:00

Well the Easter season is officially over now. Overall I had a great time with my family. My mother is coping with the news rather well. Now that everything is out in the open I feel much better. It is great to be able ot be honest with everyone. So far I have not been experiencing a rash or anything of that sort again since I started my meds again. On Friday I had my CT scans. Afterwards I got really sick to my stomach and have kind of had an upset tummy since then. I've been seeing an absolute doll for the last two weeks or so. It's been really awesome being around someone in that way again. He is HIV negative but is obviously really cool and understanding with the fact that I am not. A lot of times when my faith in mankind is lost, someone comes along and shows me that not everyone is an asshole. Just a brief update on what's been going on lately :)

Hugs,
James

Long Awaited Update...

2005-03-20T15:03:00.001-06:00

I know most of you have been waiting very patiently for an update and I apologize for it being so long, however, there was really nothing to update. I had my doctor's appointment on the 16th. They did tell me that they don't think all of my issues are HIV related (which I told the NP that last month...). So we have yet another CT scan scheduled to see whats going on in my stomach. The good news is I get to stay on the same meds :) My doc sent me to the dermatologist, he looked at my skin and said "anyone can see that's not a medicine rash." So what is it you may ask? Severe eczema outbreak due to high viral load! So he gave me a script for Allegra and this creme to apply on my body. So far things are going well. The Sustiva dreams have returned with a vengence. Not necessarily a bad thing but odd as hell. Well I suppose that will be it for now. I will start updating on a regular basis now that we know what's going on :)

Hugs,

James

Great start

2005-02-28T12:40:00.001-06:00

I slept last night through the whole night in over a week. All thanks to 150 mg of Benedryl. I am feeling well over all. I did go out to Hoedowns this Saturday night to hang out with some friends of mine. Didn't do anything to over exert myself...While there I met a charming Yankee lad. He thinks I am a really good two-stepper. He told me that he wanted to learn and so I offered lessons. Yesterday evening I went over to his hotel room and spent about 5 hours or so with him. Yesterday MORNING I had an engagement at Peachtree Road United Methodist Church about how Atlanta Interfaith AIDS Network (Common Ground) helps me and how I deal with all of my illnesses on a spiritual plane. Having to come out about my HIV status to middle-aged women (majority of the area in which I was speaking) was difficult. Only because most of them remember when it was "The Gay Cancer", and still hold that judgement. The relief was that it appeared that they didn't. PHEW. So today is Monday the last day of the month and I am looking forward to a good week. I may or may not write more today. But I will definetly write tomorrow because it's therapy day.

New level?

2005-02-25T09:11:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a rather busy day. My friend whom I went to get tested with was negative :) Many thanks and blessings for that. Afterward we went to a celebratory lunch at Cowtippers (I had already eaten lunch at Common Ground however). I am about to my end with sickness. I've really not slept through the night in a week, I constantly itch, and now I think I am getting a cold. I found myself in bed this morning (around 4:30) not necessarily bargining but just asking the gods when this test ended. Somewhere something has to give. I know that sickness comes with this virus but there are PLENTY of HIV positive people that aren't as sick as I am. I have a follow up Physican's Assistant (yee fucking haw) appointment this afternoon at 3:00. We will see what she says un-enlightning today. Today I have a parent/teacher conference at 8:00 AM, then my usual daily ordeal, Common Ground, instead of coming home I am going to meet a friend for lunch, and then I am coming home. I am supposed to be having a movie weekend with a group of friends but not really sure how that is going to work since I have such a busy schedule this weekend. Tomorrow I signed up for an "intimacy, Relationships, and Sex" workshop with Positive Impact (which starts at 9:00), and then Sunday I am going to a "mega-church" to represent Common Ground (of which I am really excited). I guess the only thing that comes to mind now is..."Get busy living or get busy dying."

I almost forgot to tell you about my dream...I couldn't leave without doing that now could I?!? Yesterday I dreamed that I had documentation about a man that was trying to turn England into an Axis of Evil (like I give a shit...). Anyway I walk into Parliment and ask her royal majesty if I could address them (it was her and like a United Nations Council). She agreed. While I was waiting my turn they finished business and then dismissed. As they were leaving the chamber I asked "Your majesty I really need to address this issue with you, it is of upmost importance." They all took their seats again. I began speaking and she was INFURATED that I was implicating this man. She issues a royal order to have me BEHEADED (bitch see if I help your country again). Someone from the council says perhaps we should listen to him. So they listen to me and alas I save the country and am knighted Sir James McLarty.

Hugs,
James

Good day!

2005-02-23T23:38:00.001-06:00

Today has been an awesome day. The rash is still all over my body and spreading. Thankfully not as fast. The steroids have really helped the comfort level. My energy has been off the chain today. I woke up at 9:30 took my meds then went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until 1:30....yeah I know apparently I needed the rest. I have done laundry, cooked dinner, washed dishes, ironed clothes and still have energy to write this :) Tomorrow I am going with one of my friends to get an HIV test, he is kind of concerned so everyone keep happy thoughts for him. I did have a rather odd dream last night. One of my "sisters" happened to be a famous drag queen here in Atlanta (Bubba D'licious) and my friend passed away and it was a big thing. I wish I had wrote earlier when I remembered more of the details but alas just take my word that it was wierd. Write tomorrow.

So this is hell....

2005-02-22T23:11:00.001-06:00

My friends will normally tell you that I really don't complain a lot. I take things in stride and just accept things as they are. My philophsy in life is why complain about something I can't change. Makes sense to me. However in therapy I have been learning that there are times when it is more than alright to say something just really, really sucks. NOW is one of those times. This rash that I have had just continues to get worse. It is blistering. I called the Infectious Disease clinic this morning. They of course told me to come in. I arrived around 8:00 AM and finally got to see the physicans assistant around 9:45. Upon her reuqest I disrobed. The first thing she said is..."Thats a pretty agressive rash you have going on." Well I couldn't help but to look at her and say, "No shit." When I call and tell them I have an aggressive rash I really don't think it imperative to repeat my findings...especially when it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO obvious. The question of the hour was is this a Sustiva induced rash? Not according to the PA. So you can totally understand my confusion when she instructed me to stop my meds. When questioned about why I should stop something that I am not having side effects with she never really gave me a straight answer. So I told her unless she could tell me why I needed to stop then I would continue to take them as scheduled. She never told me why so continue I shall. Her answer was to increase my steroid intake for three days. My answer is to simply find out why I have hives and blisters all over my body and WHY it has spread so aggressively over the past 48 hours. Makes sense to me. Anyway, I will continue my benedryl, steroids and HIV meds for now. I have a followup appointment on Friday, truthfully I don't think that the rash plans on waiting that long. I however, you keep you updated as things become known.

Hugs

A different view

2005-02-21T12:13:00.001-06:00

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I had a small coronary episode around 12:30 AM on Sunday as was taken to the hospital. I was there until late yesterday for observation and such. My activity level is as tolerated. However, my doctors warned no more two-stepping for a few months. Which in an essense really kills me simply because that is really the only social outlet that I have. So I guess I will have to find others. Don't really feel bad today just really tired and EXTREMELY sore. I have this really odd rash breaking out all over my face and neck. I am going to give it a few days to go away before I do anything about it. Still haven't got my updated lab results...sorry :(

Hugs,
James

Tomorrow is only a day a way

2005-02-18T23:57:00.001-06:00

Well today was an interesting day. Yesterday I hung out with a good friend of mine. We did coffee, went to dinner and had ice cream. Came back to my house to chill and then went to Hoedowns. I tell ya what. As a person who can drink most anyone under the table I feel plum ashamed of myself. I had ONE drink last night and I was wasted. I did my second set of line dances and I told my friend Jason that we had to go. Today has been a very uneventful day. I have slept most of it. I am experiencing some serious fatigue, and tummy aches even on the pain meds. When I was discharged from the hospital they sent me home with Vicodin and today it just has not really been doing a good job. I will have to talk to my doctors next week to see whats going on. But still alive and somewhat active. I really would like to go out but understand that probably isnt a good idea. BUT THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Day

2005-02-17T11:13:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had to go for testing due to severe tummy pains. I checked in at 11:00 AM and waited and waited and waited. At 2:30 I called my doctor only to find out that she had already called once and faxed the order to have me seen immediately. So I lay there until 4:00 and I finally went upstairs to her office to see if she couldn't come down and expedite things. Of course she already left for the day. However, her office still sent me directly to radiology (which should have been done at 2:00). No more gallstones...YAH!!!!! But I do have a fat liver. So I have to go back in this morning to find out what they are going to do about it. The hospital finally discharged me at 9:40 last night. They wanted me to stay until 4:00AM because they were going to give me morphine and sodium chloride but didn't think it wise to keep me just one more day...makes ya scratch your head doesn't it? So after the long ordeal yesterday I was finally able to come home and go to bed and begin today. So far no other noticiable side effects. They are thinking that my tummy pain is caused by my meds perhaps making my liver fat. If that is indeed the case then we may have to switch them up :( Post more when I know!

Hugs,
James

Eh...

2005-02-16T09:37:00.001-06:00

Good morning all,

Last night was kind of sketchy. I awoke sometime in the 1 o'clock hour having to use the restroom rather quickly. In addition to that I was experiencing some localized night sweating in my chest region. Kind of odd really, I have never just had a night sweat in one location. Don't get me wrong, I by no MEANS am complaning. I was able to crawl back into bed without having to actually change the sheets. This morning I feel kind of loopy. I don't really feel that my concentration is solid. My memory is noticibly (per roommates) to be affected (as if I needed help with that anyway LOL). I went to the laundry room looking for laundry that I never started, but thought I did. All of this was to be expected and again I am just grateful that I am not experiencing what most others do when they start their meds. Today is a good day because I did wake up and I will continue to be glad in it :)

Hugs,
James

Ending the day...

2005-02-15T22:42:00.000-06:00

I am about ready to close out the day. It's been awesome. I had my therapy session at Positive Impact today. Hung out for a while at ATI (AIDS Treatment Initative) and headed home. My energy level today has been through the roof. I am going to shower and take my Sustiva :) Hope everyone has had a good day!

WHA THE .........

2005-02-15T15:00:00.001-06:00

I couldn't have asked for a better night last night. I took the Sustiva around 9:00. I sit there for a few minutes staring at it wondering if I really wanted to take it or not. Really kind of silly LOL. I took it. I got up showered, shaved, and came back to my room to work on some e-mails (with Law & Order going in the background). I started to feel really stupid. Kind of like ya feel when you know that you have just had to much to drink :) So I knew at that point (before I started going through my phonebook) that it was time for bed. I set the sleep timer on my t.v. and climbed into bed. I woke this morning at 6:30 without having the first night sweat, odd dream, or nausea experience. My belly was a little tender in the lower right side but nothing unbearable. Having eaten breakfast and such I decided that a small nap was in order so around 8:10 I started napping. Here is what I dreamed.....

Picture it:
Atlanta 2005. My friends and I are walking over an interstate overpass. When all of a sudden we see a LARGE lilitary chopper flying overhead. Within minutes after it passes over us it EXPLODES. We run into a convenient store, of course the person running it doesnt speak english and for some reason has no idea what just happened. So my first instinct is to pull my phone out and call my grandmother (who has been dead for 10 years now, but "alive" in my dream, although I never saw her or was able to talk to her). I don't really think I called anyone. I rather went home. I live about 1/4 of a mile from the interstate (in reality as well as in dream)I decide that I want to know whats going on so I go back up to the main road and EVERYONE is there. Apparently school was letting out around the same time because the busses were coming from the school. The only thing was the school busses were LONG, TALL, LIMO, HUMMERS, WITH MASSIVE TIRES.

That was that I woke up (9:30) and took my epivir and viread. Perhaps, it was a good thing I woke up so Bush couldn't draft me for the war. When I woke up it was a sense of relief because it all honesty it felt VERY VERY VERY real.

Since its a nice day and I feel good, I am going to the park. I hope all is having a good day.

Hugs

A New Adventure

2005-02-14T20:49:00.001-06:00

As my title states today I started a new adventure. I started my HIV medications. When I was released from the hospital in January I was told that depending on my genotype I would more than likely be placed on Combivir and Sustiva. However, when I went in today they changed my cocktail, to Epivir, Viread, and Sustiva. I have taken the Epivir and Viread for the day and so far the only side effect I have experienced was sweat. The Sustiva allegedly causes vivid dreams so I was prescribed porn before I go to bed :) Right now I guess I only have a few concerns. Obviously I am hoping that I respond well to my treatment. My viral load as of January 26th was 439,000 and my T-cells were at 417. Today I had a new blood workup done and will have those results posted by the end of this week. Today at the doctor as well I found out that I am more than likely suffering from gallstones again. So in the up and coming year I am looking at four operations. One to remove part of my lower right lung (due to the infiltrate), lymphadectomy (removal of lymph nodes), spleen removal and then gallbladder removal. Once my viral load gets to an undetectable level then we will start scheduling the surgeries one by one. I will keep this updated as I discover new things .

Love,

James